I've decided that one of my least favorite things is having to make a major decision.
Maybe I'm really having a love/hate relationship with being an adult. That's also possible.
I'm just not a fan of having a massive decision in front of me, with a multitude of reasons for or against either side of the decision. Having it feel like my brain is in 15 places at once drives me bonkers.
That's right, bonkers.
I know the value in discernment, I always have. But trust me, I've learned it extra well since coming here. My decision even to be here was a massive one. Huge odds against me but even more to gain by just jumping for it. And look how right I was, it's all been worth it. Ups, downs and all.
But here I am, with two very difficult issues I'm trying to tackle, and I'm beyond overwhelmed. But, I have people to help me. My mom, best friend, mentor and director- all trying to help me think and clear up the jumbled mess that has been my head.
But it's still a lot to think about, and any decision is mine alone. That's daunting.
A few weeks ago, I saw this little wooden decoration that says "It's All Good" and I bought it for myself. I need that reminder, almost constantly. Like it should be stamped on the back of my hand, so I can always look down and remind myself that it's all good, all shall be well.
Actually, I have numerous things all over my room that are there to remind me of that. Psalm 62 is on my mirror, it takes up a huge corner of it: "My hope comes from God who is my rock and my salvation...trust God at all times." I have a card on another corner of my mirror that says "Don't Quit" at the top and goes on with a little encouraging poem. There's a little plaque on my dresser "Keep believing in yourself-- every goal that has ever been reached began with just one step and the belief that it could be attained... believe in yourself and remember that I believe in you too."
All of these were gifts, given to me at various times this year when I felt like I was losing it. And here they are, still telling me what I still need to hear, all these months later.
Anyway, here I am. Probably way better off than I come across in this post. I've got time to figure a few things out. And above all I trust that no matter what happens, I'll make the right decision, even if it doesn't seem like it right away. Everything always works out in the end. I have faith in that. If I didn't, this year wouldn't be happening. I need to remember that more often. See what happens when you put your faith wholly into something, even when a thousand things are going against you? Like God is up there going "See?? I told you so!!!"
God wouldn't ever bring me to something I couldn't get through. That's a fact.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
New Ministry
I figure a little update on my ministries is in order seeing as my last post left a bit of a cliff hanger.
I spent my afternoons all last week helping out at The Alliance for International Monasticism with this massive project that involved entering a few hundred foreign mailing addresses into a computer mailing system. I promise you, it's just as fun as it sounds. It was a nice way to spend a few afternoons as I was in a room alone, plucking along through about 15 sheets of info, listening to music and dancing to my heart's content.
This week began my new afternoon ministry placements that I'll remain in until the program ends- which is in August, for the curious folks out there who can't remember when I started this whole thing. I'll spend 3 days a week helping out with grounds keeping and general odd jobs around the Mount. For example, Tuesday and today I washed lots of windows. I smell like windex and vinegar and my hands aren't the right color. But guess what? It was fantastic. I love manual labor, I love being able to get outside in the sun for a little bit, and I like the idea of doing little odd jobs that enhance the monastery. I can't even tell you how many sisters saw me up on the ladder, scraping sap off the dirty windows, and stopped to thank me. It made me appreciate what I was doing even more.
And there's something nice about repetitive work like that. I could enjoy the quiet or I could put on some music (I've been favoring the sisters' "Te Deum" CD while I've been working this week) and just work. It's prayerful. I'm really going to enjoy it especially because I'll be doing quite a bit of work outside and it's almost summer, so I can really enjoy the sun and the beautiful weather this time of year. Bring it on.
Besides all that, on Wednesdays I'll be helping out in the infirmary and assisted living wing. There are a couple sisters in particular they want me to work with, but I'll really get to spend time with almost everyone up there. I'll get to help with exercises and activities, walk around the grounds, put puzzles together, play games or just sit and talk with the sisters. My first afternoon on Wednesday was a great experience, I'm really looking forward to what this ministry placement will bring. Maybe I'll discover a new area in social work to focus on that maybe wouldn't have crossed my mind. The possibilities!
I'm really excited for these new placements. I was definitely ready for something entirely different from what I'd been doing. This feels good, and I'm happy for it.
I spent my afternoons all last week helping out at The Alliance for International Monasticism with this massive project that involved entering a few hundred foreign mailing addresses into a computer mailing system. I promise you, it's just as fun as it sounds. It was a nice way to spend a few afternoons as I was in a room alone, plucking along through about 15 sheets of info, listening to music and dancing to my heart's content.
This week began my new afternoon ministry placements that I'll remain in until the program ends- which is in August, for the curious folks out there who can't remember when I started this whole thing. I'll spend 3 days a week helping out with grounds keeping and general odd jobs around the Mount. For example, Tuesday and today I washed lots of windows. I smell like windex and vinegar and my hands aren't the right color. But guess what? It was fantastic. I love manual labor, I love being able to get outside in the sun for a little bit, and I like the idea of doing little odd jobs that enhance the monastery. I can't even tell you how many sisters saw me up on the ladder, scraping sap off the dirty windows, and stopped to thank me. It made me appreciate what I was doing even more.
And there's something nice about repetitive work like that. I could enjoy the quiet or I could put on some music (I've been favoring the sisters' "Te Deum" CD while I've been working this week) and just work. It's prayerful. I'm really going to enjoy it especially because I'll be doing quite a bit of work outside and it's almost summer, so I can really enjoy the sun and the beautiful weather this time of year. Bring it on.
Besides all that, on Wednesdays I'll be helping out in the infirmary and assisted living wing. There are a couple sisters in particular they want me to work with, but I'll really get to spend time with almost everyone up there. I'll get to help with exercises and activities, walk around the grounds, put puzzles together, play games or just sit and talk with the sisters. My first afternoon on Wednesday was a great experience, I'm really looking forward to what this ministry placement will bring. Maybe I'll discover a new area in social work to focus on that maybe wouldn't have crossed my mind. The possibilities!
I'm really excited for these new placements. I was definitely ready for something entirely different from what I'd been doing. This feels good, and I'm happy for it.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Change
Most people don't know that my last day at the Kid's Cafe was this past Friday. I didn't tell a lot of people, I didn't want a big deal being made out of it, and I didn't want to answer the same question over and over: "why? I thought you loved it so much."
And I do. I did when I started, and I still loved it when I left. I'll always love the time I spent there, the people I worked with, and most of all the kids. But, I wanted to walk away while I still loved it.
For about two months now I had found myself struggling, a lot. Certain aspects of the job were really beginning to get to me. I'm not a disciplinarian, I never have been, I don't know how to be one effectively. I felt helpless trying to bring order to a room of rowdy kids, or even just trying to get one kid to listen and mend a poor choice of behavior. There was a level of respect I just couldn't get from the kids. It had a lot to do with my age, my lack of experience, the fact that there was not much I could relate to when it came to my kids.
All I could do was love them, and I did. Every single day. Even on the worst days. All I could do was give them a hug, talk to them a little, play a game or twelve of cards, color a few pictures, ask them to help me out in the kitchen with a special job, just spend time with them. All I could do was try to be as positive as I could be with them, and I was good at that for a long time.
In the last couple of months I found myself getting fed up way too often. I'd come home, dragging all my frustrations along behind me. I couldn't kick it, I couldn't stop feeling like I was helpless, like I was struggling so hard I couldn't manage. I'd be bummed out and miserable some nights. I wasn't happy.
Over the course of weeks I talked it over with my mentor, worked on different techniques to help me through without having to leave. But it eventually just hit a point that I needed to leave before I grew to dread it so much that I'd never want to walk through the doors again.
And I was able to leave on those terms. After the decision was made, I got to spend my last 3 weeks slowly letting go of some of my responsibilities and got back to just being able to spend time with the kids with a lot less yelling and scolding. I didn't have to get up and leave the activity I was doing with 3 or 4 kids, spending quality time with them, to run after the 1 kid wreaking havoc on the place.
I'd say the greatest gift I had there, the best thing I brought to the kids was being able to love them and spend time with them. I'll always stand by that. It's what made me chose the Cafe as my ministry for the first 6 months, it's what made me want to stay on for the second half. It's also what made me want to leave as I saw myself starting to get angry with the kids, losing my temper a time or two, I refused to let it come to that. I knew I was beginning to burn out, and I knew what I had to do.
It was sad leaving. There was no fuss, only a handful of kids knew. I was fortunate enough to get a lot of pictures taken with the kids on my last day. I was able to just sit with a few kids during dinner and talk to them. They asked a lot of questions about why I was leaving, accusing me of being just like everyone else who comes and goes and forgets about them. I assured them that wasn't the case.
The Kid's Cafe had one of the absolute largest impacts on me during my time here. I'll never forget a moment of it, I'll never forget the kids. It's not like I'm going far away, I'm staying in Erie, I'll still be working around in the neighborhood. Someday, in a few weeks maybe, I can always pop in for a little bit on a reflection day, just to visit and see how my kids are doing.
My kids taught me a lot, and I hope I taught them a little too. There will always be a place in my heart for the Kid's Cafe and for the kids who touched my life for 7 months.
Now, the process begins again, I'll spend this week trying out a few different ministries to see where I'd like to spend my afternoons for my last few months. A big part of this year for me has been gaining experience in a variety of places to see where I'm being called as I inch ever closer to beginning a career in social work. I'm so grateful for that opportunity.
While a part of me is sad knowing I won't be going to the Cafe this afternoon, or any afternoon from here on out, I'm also excited to try out something a little different. We'll see what's in store!
And I do. I did when I started, and I still loved it when I left. I'll always love the time I spent there, the people I worked with, and most of all the kids. But, I wanted to walk away while I still loved it.
For about two months now I had found myself struggling, a lot. Certain aspects of the job were really beginning to get to me. I'm not a disciplinarian, I never have been, I don't know how to be one effectively. I felt helpless trying to bring order to a room of rowdy kids, or even just trying to get one kid to listen and mend a poor choice of behavior. There was a level of respect I just couldn't get from the kids. It had a lot to do with my age, my lack of experience, the fact that there was not much I could relate to when it came to my kids.
All I could do was love them, and I did. Every single day. Even on the worst days. All I could do was give them a hug, talk to them a little, play a game or twelve of cards, color a few pictures, ask them to help me out in the kitchen with a special job, just spend time with them. All I could do was try to be as positive as I could be with them, and I was good at that for a long time.
In the last couple of months I found myself getting fed up way too often. I'd come home, dragging all my frustrations along behind me. I couldn't kick it, I couldn't stop feeling like I was helpless, like I was struggling so hard I couldn't manage. I'd be bummed out and miserable some nights. I wasn't happy.
Over the course of weeks I talked it over with my mentor, worked on different techniques to help me through without having to leave. But it eventually just hit a point that I needed to leave before I grew to dread it so much that I'd never want to walk through the doors again.
And I was able to leave on those terms. After the decision was made, I got to spend my last 3 weeks slowly letting go of some of my responsibilities and got back to just being able to spend time with the kids with a lot less yelling and scolding. I didn't have to get up and leave the activity I was doing with 3 or 4 kids, spending quality time with them, to run after the 1 kid wreaking havoc on the place.
I'd say the greatest gift I had there, the best thing I brought to the kids was being able to love them and spend time with them. I'll always stand by that. It's what made me chose the Cafe as my ministry for the first 6 months, it's what made me want to stay on for the second half. It's also what made me want to leave as I saw myself starting to get angry with the kids, losing my temper a time or two, I refused to let it come to that. I knew I was beginning to burn out, and I knew what I had to do.
It was sad leaving. There was no fuss, only a handful of kids knew. I was fortunate enough to get a lot of pictures taken with the kids on my last day. I was able to just sit with a few kids during dinner and talk to them. They asked a lot of questions about why I was leaving, accusing me of being just like everyone else who comes and goes and forgets about them. I assured them that wasn't the case.
The Kid's Cafe had one of the absolute largest impacts on me during my time here. I'll never forget a moment of it, I'll never forget the kids. It's not like I'm going far away, I'm staying in Erie, I'll still be working around in the neighborhood. Someday, in a few weeks maybe, I can always pop in for a little bit on a reflection day, just to visit and see how my kids are doing.
My kids taught me a lot, and I hope I taught them a little too. There will always be a place in my heart for the Kid's Cafe and for the kids who touched my life for 7 months.
Now, the process begins again, I'll spend this week trying out a few different ministries to see where I'd like to spend my afternoons for my last few months. A big part of this year for me has been gaining experience in a variety of places to see where I'm being called as I inch ever closer to beginning a career in social work. I'm so grateful for that opportunity.
While a part of me is sad knowing I won't be going to the Cafe this afternoon, or any afternoon from here on out, I'm also excited to try out something a little different. We'll see what's in store!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Racing Butterflies
I've promised myself approximately 983274932749823 times (remember, that's approximate) that I will be a little healthier. Sleep a little more, eat a little better, be a little more active. No massive changes, God knows I won't stick to them that way, just little things.
Given the blahs I've been experiencing lately (and yes, that's the official term) I've been extra motivated to just do something about it. So I've been trying to get to bed by like 10:30 (which in no way means I'm sleeping by then, I'm averaging 11 on that), not eat every piece of cake, cookie or brownie that passes into sight (which is a challenge, I assure you) and if nothing else I'm trying to walk for about 30 minutes a day.The walking is decently easy to accomplish since Alyssa and I will both go outside and walk around the Mount and chat. An hour flies by, no problem, it's like magic.
I do feel better when I manage to stick to it for more than a day or two. I'm releasing some pent up energy that's been hanging around for months. And the weather alone could change the world, with the warmth and sun. I love this time of year, I can break out a little.
I woke up to fantastic weather this morning, hot and kind of muggy, but the sun is out in all its glory. What else can I ask for? Feeling exceptionally motivated, I decided a bike ride needed to happen, and that was that. So, after much fussing and carrying on trying to get my bike out of the tangle that is our bike rack in the garage, and pumping up my tires I was on my way.
It was a really nice ride (except for the hills, I could do without them.) The lilacs are blooming like crazy, I love the way they smell. But what I really enjoyed was seeing all the butterflies.
I've always loved butterflies. They're such beautiful, delicate little things. There's so much symbolism in such a simple, tiny creature. Something average and even ugly morphs into something beautiful, into a new life, a new state of being.
All I could think while I was riding around, huffing, puffing and sweating half to death, was how easy the butterflies make it look. They were passing in front of me constantly or flying up next to me. They were keeping pace with me- even if only for a moment- fluttering with almost no effort. Then they'd drop off and leave me, while I pushed on ahead.
8.5 miles and approximately 15,000 hills later (again, that's approximate) I finished a long, hot bike ride. And I feel really good, even as I'm typing this, on my floor, in front of my fan, trying to apologize to my knees. I feel good for the exercise I got, and being able to enjoy the great weather. I feel really peaceful, being able to ride along, and think and pray a little.
Overall, I just feel better. As I said in my last post, I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I'm getting back to normal, I'm happy for that. A lot is happening. And sooner than I know I can handle, I'm going to find myself like the butterflies- changing, onto the next phase.
But, that's part of life, it's why I'm here. To stay for awhile, to grow, to change, to come to the end ready to fly.
Given the blahs I've been experiencing lately (and yes, that's the official term) I've been extra motivated to just do something about it. So I've been trying to get to bed by like 10:30 (which in no way means I'm sleeping by then, I'm averaging 11 on that), not eat every piece of cake, cookie or brownie that passes into sight (which is a challenge, I assure you) and if nothing else I'm trying to walk for about 30 minutes a day.The walking is decently easy to accomplish since Alyssa and I will both go outside and walk around the Mount and chat. An hour flies by, no problem, it's like magic.
I do feel better when I manage to stick to it for more than a day or two. I'm releasing some pent up energy that's been hanging around for months. And the weather alone could change the world, with the warmth and sun. I love this time of year, I can break out a little.
I woke up to fantastic weather this morning, hot and kind of muggy, but the sun is out in all its glory. What else can I ask for? Feeling exceptionally motivated, I decided a bike ride needed to happen, and that was that. So, after much fussing and carrying on trying to get my bike out of the tangle that is our bike rack in the garage, and pumping up my tires I was on my way.
It was a really nice ride (except for the hills, I could do without them.) The lilacs are blooming like crazy, I love the way they smell. But what I really enjoyed was seeing all the butterflies.
I've always loved butterflies. They're such beautiful, delicate little things. There's so much symbolism in such a simple, tiny creature. Something average and even ugly morphs into something beautiful, into a new life, a new state of being.
All I could think while I was riding around, huffing, puffing and sweating half to death, was how easy the butterflies make it look. They were passing in front of me constantly or flying up next to me. They were keeping pace with me- even if only for a moment- fluttering with almost no effort. Then they'd drop off and leave me, while I pushed on ahead.
8.5 miles and approximately 15,000 hills later (again, that's approximate) I finished a long, hot bike ride. And I feel really good, even as I'm typing this, on my floor, in front of my fan, trying to apologize to my knees. I feel good for the exercise I got, and being able to enjoy the great weather. I feel really peaceful, being able to ride along, and think and pray a little.
Overall, I just feel better. As I said in my last post, I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I'm getting back to normal, I'm happy for that. A lot is happening. And sooner than I know I can handle, I'm going to find myself like the butterflies- changing, onto the next phase.
But, that's part of life, it's why I'm here. To stay for awhile, to grow, to change, to come to the end ready to fly.
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