A New Blog

Well folks, I've officially launched a new blog, check it out:

Beyond a Year in the Life

I decided I'd rather keep everything about my year at the Mount in its own place.

I'd like to thank everyone who has been behind me so far, and I hope you all follow my move to my new blog. It's a work in progress still, so bear with me while I make the transition!

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Well, it's official. I completed the Benedicta Riepp program. I not only survived a year in a monastery, I thrived. I enjoyed every second of it. I grew in leaps and bounds. I found a family of wonderful (and sometimes crazy) sisters to call my own. I experienced the world without ever leaving Erie. I struggled, I triumphed. I had my breakdowns, hit my walls and cried. I embraced changes and challenges. I'm proud of myself. I met God again, and have a better relationship than I ever could have imagined. My prayer turned into my very being, not just the pockets of time I spent in the chapel. My life had a rhythm and consistency. I rediscovered love for myself, for others, for God. I immersed myself 100% into the lives of the sisters, who opened up their home and their hearts to me so generously. I made strong relationships with women much older than me that will last a lifetime, the age difference didn't matter. I worked on my writing, sharing my experience with the whole world. I opened myself up to everything.

I've never done goodbyes very well. I know change is inevitable, it has to happen, but sometimes I just want to hold onto something a little longer. I loved my time at the Mount with the sisters so much, it was the hardest thing to do to walk out of those doors yesterday. I held it together pretty well until saying goodbye to my director and mentor out at the front door. They walked us in the day we arrived, they walked us out the day we left. I started to choke up during the hugs, with all the things they had to say. Part of me didn't walk to let go, knowing that was it, my time had come. As soon as I turned to walk to my car the tears came. I cried myself clear into New York and most of the way to Buffalo. I had to crank the music and sing my fool head off to get myself to stop. I barely had a voice left when I got home.

Most sisters only said "see you in a couple of weeks, have a good vacation home." because that's really all this is. I'll be back in Erie next week and back at the Mount for liturgy in two weeks. But it won't ever be the same. I won't be there sharing in their daily lives. I won't see my sisters every day, sharing dinner with them or just hanging out to watch the news. I'll miss that constant presence.

No matter what I'll always wish I had more time, another week or two, one more day. I'll always feel like I could have done something a little different, it's that over analytical part of my brain. But at the end of the day I lived it fully and truthfully. I loved every second of it.

I'll always have a home at the Mount, I know that. It's going to take awhile for me to adjust to the fact that I'm not living there anymore. Things will change, but I hope not too much. Right now it kind of feels like I'm only home for a little break and I'll still be heading back to the Mount when I return to Erie in a week. I don't think it will fully sink in until I'm sitting at the light on Buffalo road, coming off the 90, and I take a left turn instead of a right. Off to my new apartment, life with just Alyssa and I again (and my dog, in a few months) off to the next part of life.

I feel like my words can't do it justice, like nothing is going to really capture what's in my heart or head right now. I could never thank my sisters enough, every last one of you. You have profoundly touched my life, I'll never be the same, and I couldn't be more grateful. I couldn't ever tell my director or mentor exactly what they mean to me, for all they did for me this year. They helped really make this experience what it was for me, walking with me every step of the way.

Well, now that I have myself tearing up again, I think I'll take a break and throw in some photos. All of these are courtesy of Sister Charlotte:

Our commitment ceremony last year

Receiving a blessing from the community at our farewell dinner

Us with our director

My mentor and I

I'll keep up the blog, but I'm going to take a week or two away. I need to figure out how I want to do this now. My journey isn't done, it's coming to a new beginning. There's still so much more to experience and to share.

What I've Learned

From the Kid's Cafe:
    •    You can change a child's entire day just by offering them a smile and a kind word
    •    You can never play too many games of mancala or cards
    •    There is no such thing as too much dessert or too much hot sauce on anything
    •    Never give up on a kid, no matter how impossible they may seem- they're the ones who need your love and support the most
    •    Even the toughest of kids is giddy when it's Christmas time
    •    Find the positive in every single negative situation, that's the message God is trying to deliver

From Saint Benedict's Education Center:
    •    There is beauty in every little accomplishment
    •    Nothing is impossible if you want it and work for it
    •     No matter how unskilled you might think you are as a teacher, there is something you can share with everyone that will change them for the better and no doubt change you for the better too

From the Food Pantry/Soup Kitchen:
    •    Be grateful for what you have everyday, whether it's a roof over your head, food on the table, people who care about you, or just the fact that you got up that morning
    •    There is no  room to complain about life when people with next to nothing greet you in the morning with a smile and not a complaint in the world
    •    It's not all about seeing the result of your work everyday, there is deep satisfaction in knowing that every little thing you do helps, even if it's just doing dishes, sweeping the storage room or cleaning the stove

From working around the grounds:
    •    There is something rewarding about working with your hands
    •    Sweat equals a job well done, and blisters on your hands are just a bonus
    •    There is such a thing as too hot, but that's nothing a bottle of cold water dumped on your head can't fix
    •    Every little job matters and it's never overlooked, everything is appreciated
    •    Treat every tool you touch and every tree or flower you trim as something sacred and you'll find the beauty in every job

From the Infirmary sisters:
    •    There is no such thing as being too old for anything, I hope to be 90+ and still using the stairs, walking all over the place, and giving everyone around me a good laugh
    •    Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is a few minutes of your time and a warm smile
    •    You have to laugh at life, no exceptions
    •    Roll with it- so what if someone has asked you the same question 20 times in the last half an hour? Answer it with a little more enthusiasm each time

From the sisters in general:
    •    Age is a state of mind- people can get along marvelously whether you're 5 years apart or 50+
    •     There is no such thing as too many people in your family, I have almost 100 new additions to mine and I love them all dearly
    •    Being generous with your time or your energy will always pay you back a million times over
    •    You never quite know how you might touch someone's life, just by being you

From Benedict:
    •    You hear better with your heart than with your ears, but you need both to really know the world
    •    There is something soothing about a daily rhythm
    •    It's possible to find God in the daily and to live spiritually always
    •    Quiet time with God and yourself is vital
    •    There is always room to be flexible
    •    In all things may God be glorified

From my mentor:
    •    People love me, care about me and are there for me no matter what, even if I slip up
    •    There really is almost nothing better you can give a person than to be there for them, to listen and figure out things in life
    •    It's ok to be serious, but know when to laugh and have fun too
    •    Life is a little bit easier when you have good people by your side, you shouldn't have to face things alone


From my director:
    •    Present moment, wonderful moment.
    •    It's almost impossible to go overboard when you're trying to butter up someone who loves sweets
    •    It's OK to lose a game, just accept the fact that you're not going to hear the end of it until the next time you lose
    •    God is crazy about me, I need to love and believe in myself just the same
    •    There is something to learn in every situation and if you can't find it you might be looking too hard- relax and let God take over


And I could go on and on. I could never say enough about how much this year has meant to me, how much I've grown, how much I've learned, how much I'm a better person for having been here, sharing a part of my life with these sisters and all the people I've ministered to and how they've shared their lives with me. We've been mutual blessings to each other, and I'm happy the journey isn't over yet. Yes, I'll be leaving this program in just over a week's time, but this place will always be a part of me. What a gift :)

Documenting Your Life

It's an interesting thing, to have spent a whole year documenting as much as I can about my life. What's most interesting to me is going back and reading some of what I've had to say. Between my blog and my journal, there's a lot to see.

I had this question posed by my director a couple of weeks ago in a meeting: how have you changed since you arrived here? I told her I wasn't really sure how to word it, that I could feel that I'd changed and that people have told me they've seen a change in me. But then the idea hit me to go back and read to see who I was then and compare it to who I am now.

My first blog post was a year ago today, I can't even begin to describe how crazy that feels, to know a year ago this moment I was sitting at home on my couch, typing away, anticipating what was to come in just 33 days. It's not a year later, and I'm astounded at how fast it has gone. Part of me is still amazed that I'm even here, and that I lived this experience.

And look at what I had to say! I was worried about the money, that turned out to be a very valid concern as I've battled that issue between my own personal funds and my impending student loan payments practically since the moment I got here. But, everything worked out much better than I ever anticipated. Imagine that.

My other concerns didn't pan out to be issues at all once I was here and into it. It was almost seamless for me to move in with and become a part of this community. I've never once felt like an outsider or like I wasn't a major part of everything. The age difference didn't seem to exist, as one sister put it "you two are ageless, you just work well with everyone." What a compliment!

Being further from home than ever turned out to not be so bad, my family was able to come visit me a couple of times, and I made a couple of trips home. I miss my family, I miss my dog and my friends from home, but I've found a place where I belong here in Erie. I'm close enough to home that visits have been decently easy. And clearly living down here hasn't bothered me much if I'm moving into an apartment down here in a couple of weeks. I mean it when I say I feel like I have a family here too, these women are here to support me and be there for me if I ever need anything. I'm sure it has to make my mom feel better about her oldest child moving away :)

So this sounds too much like a wrap up, like I'm signing off at the end of this wild year as it draws to a close in less than two weeks now. But it's not, I promise. There's still more fun to be had here in the last week and a half, and I plan on writing about all of it, these last days are some of the most important, I want to capture all I can.

And I don't think I'll stop writing when this year draws to a close. Why not keep it up, it's not like I'm done growing and learning as soon as I walk out of these doors. Now the challenge will be seeing how I take all of this and use it in my day-to-day life back outside of these walls.

I've had too much fun keeping this blog and sharing this part of my life with everyone. It's still amazing to me that so many people read this and that I've had so many visitors come up to me and say "It's nice to finally meet you, I've been reading about you all year." I'm grateful to my readers for hanging in there with me, supporting me and praying for me all this time. Thank you, a million times over :)

A Photo-A-Day

Wise words spoken by my director today as we stood in the mildly slow-moving lunch line: "There are many virtues to be learned this year, patience is one of them."

Is it ever. Last night I was putting the finishing touches on a post when I accidentally clicked on the wrong button and lost everything. I was particularly annoyed because I had spent a couple of days working on it off and on and was super frustrated because it was a stupid mistake that caused me to lose it.

So, here it is again, as best as I can remember it. And maybe it'll turn out better the 2nd time around. I'd like to think that at least :)

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I've recently succumbed to a growing fad I've been noticing on Facebook. I have a friend/OSB oblate to thank for pulling me into this because I've been seeing it on my news feed daily for the last couple of months.

It's called the Photo-A-Day challenge, and it's exactly what it sounds like. At the beginning of the month, a list of prompts is posted giving you a different subject to photograph every day of the month. There are no rules, just to enjoy it and unleash your creative side a little bit.

I've really been enjoying participating in the challenge this month as it's making me take more notice of what's around me everyday as I search for the perfect photo to capture the day's prompt. I've always loved photography, so this is really fun for me. I'm only using the camera on my phone, nothing fancy, and an app on my phone called Instagram so I can add a little color boost to my photos and make them look a little more artsy.

This is something I wish I'd known about when I started this a year ago. Documenting my year in a photo a day would have been really interesting. It's something totally different from a blog or my journal, to capture what I'm seeing and physically experiencing, not just what I'm thinking and feeling.

Anywho, here's my Photo-A-Day July so far, maybe I'll throw in a few more photos later on into the month :)

Day 1: Self Portrait

Day 2: Busy

Day 3: Best part of Your Day

Day 4: Fun!

Day 5: On the Floor

Day 6: Chair

Day 7: Garden

How to Have the Perfect 4th of July

In just 10 easy steps:

1: Start off with storms in the morning that turn into a beautiful sunny afternoon, just to make you appreciate the nice weather a little more.

2:  Add a community movie complete with snacks.

3: Throw in some board games in the sun, while everyone passes around two snack sized bags of chips.

4: Grill dinner to perfection, enjoy with a cold beer.

5: Drive around town to find some fireworks....sit behind a McDonald's to watch said fireworks (but first wait over a half hour for them to start.)

6: Drive back home, with everyone acting foolish in the car on the way.

7: Realize you're locked out because out of the 4 brilliant adults who went out together, not one thought to bring a key to get back in.

8: Creep around the monastery looking for signs that anyone anywhere is awake and able to let you in.

9: Play charades for 5 minutes trying to get the person inside to understand you're locked out and not just wearing glow bracelets and dancing outside  at 11pm for their entertainment.

10:  Sparklers magically appear- light and enjoy!

That's it in a nutshell. Your results may vary, but mine turned out pretty sweet :)

Time Flies

 Highlights of my afternoon yesterday working with the sisters upstairs:

I spent about an hour and a half walking around outside with a sister who I've shared many mealtime discussions with, but I haven't often had the opportunity to just spend time with her one-on-one. I bumped into her in the hallway and saw she was heading outside for a bit and asked if I could join her. We spent the whole time chatting and picking some flowers. I happened to mention that lilies and daisies are my favorites so it was her mission to find me some good ones to put in my room. She told me a couple of times during our walk how nice it was to share the time with me and that it would be a happy memory for her of my time here.Then she took me upstairs to her room to show me a couple of pictures. I was so thankful for the special time spent with her.

I've written before about one sister in particular from the infirmary who I love to spend time with as you never quite know what to expect from her next. I spent the rest of my afternoon with her, most of that time we were sitting on a bench in the front of the house, watching the cars go by and chatting. She usually has the same list of questions she throws at me every 10 minutes or so "What's your name? Are you a sister? Do you live here? Do you have a family? Where are you from?" and she can go on and on. I was asking her a lot of questions yesterday too, and one of our conversations went a little something like this:

"Sister, what did you do today?"
"Nothin'."
"Really? Not one thing? Did you eat breakfast?"
"Well sure."
"Did you go to morning prayer?"
"Of course."
"Did you have lunch today?"
"I'd say so."
"Did you visit the Blessed Mother in the woods?"
"Mmhmm."
"Sounds like you did a lot to me."
"Nah."

Or this, as she was looking at my shoes and grabbing at my foot:
"Did you buy those shoes?"
"Yes Sister, I did."
"Must have cost a fortune with all that color on them."
"Not really. Did you buy your shoes?"
"Of course I did!! What do you think I did?? Make them myself??"

You can't beat her logic. You just can't. 

As I'm heading into my last month in this program, I know it's the little things like this that I'm going to be grasping onto most. It's the little moments spent talking with a sister, going for a walk, sharing a meal, joking and laughing, playing a game or two, or just hanging around that I'm going to need the most in the next few weeks. Those are the things I'll miss most too once I'm gone. Sure, I'll only be 10 minutes up the road, and I'll be here every Sunday and I'm sure there will be visits in between now and then. But it just won't be the same when I'm not living here. While I'm trying my best to keep myself focused on today, not tomorrow, next week or next month, the part of my life that is waiting for me on the other side of this is practically staring me in the face and trying to get my attention already.

All the more reason to enjoy these little moments a little extra right now, while they're still here. And to pray, like I have every single day since I walked into these doors, that I can stay attentive to the present and to what is right in front of me. This period of my life won't last forever, it's rapidly drawing to a close, but I've still got today and another month to go. It's not over 'til I'm out the door and onto the next, but until then I'm happy and thankful to be right where I am.

Relay

I'm going to take a moment to shamelessly plug my Relay for Life team and my fund raising page.

Click Me!! :)

My goal is to hit at least $250 in donations by July 13. So far I've only been plugging it on Facebook and that hasn't been getting me too far. So, now I bring it to you, my lovely readers. No amount is too small, I promise you. Enough people donating $5 or $10 each will add up quickly.

I'm doing Relay and raising this money for all my family, friends and sisters who have or are still fighting cancer, those who beat it and those who left this world way too early because of it. 

Feel free to donate online through my page above, or contact me at carrieann2589@gmail.com and I'll give you info on how to donate via check.

Thanks everyone :)

Update

Sorry I'm slacking on my posts lately :)

Here's a rundown of what's been happening in my little world the last week or so:

Last weekend Alyssa and I embarked on a trip to Oil City, PA with my mentor and our director to visit a couple of sisters who do their ministry work in that neck of the woods. To say the very least, it was a great time. It was nice to visit and to see where these two sisters worked, and getting away for a night was really nice. Good food, lots of beautiful weather, tons of fun conversation and laughs, it was a great way to spend a couple of days. Not to mention road tripping with my mentor and our director might be one of my top 3 favorite experiences this year if only for the abundance of ridiculousness :)

In other news: Alyssa and I have an official date for our departure from the Mount: July 29th. We're talking 6 weeks here people. 6.weeks. Can we talk about how fast this has gone? Actually, let's not talk about it. I feel like the winter just didn't exist. August through November went at a decent pace. But I swear Advent hit and it was like *voom* oh hey, it's June.

We're leaving almost a full month earlier than initially expected seeing as we moved in on August 20th. There's a few reasons for the change in date, and I'm OK with it since that's a little more time to get settled and start making some money. Regardless if we left in July or August, I'd always be wanting more time, so ultimately 3 weeks isn't a huge deal when I look at the big picture.

The good news is that we're staying in Erie. I'm not sure how I'd be handling it if I was going back to Syracuse or Buffalo, but I know it wouldn't be this well. I can't imagine moving super far away from this place and these women, not right now. Knowing I'll live decently close by is making this a smidge easier. But only a smidge.

Wait for it in a few weeks when it really hits me. This news is only a week old, I think my brain is still in denial at how soon that really is.

In more other news: I'm not going to graduate school this coming fall. Most everyone who reads this probably reads Alyssa's blog too which means you probably saw her post on this topic recently. I'm not going to dedicate a whole post to this topic, mostly because I've explained all my reasons to the people who really need to hear it, it doesn't need to go on here. But to explain it as simply as possible, my reasons for not going come down to two things: 1- I can't afford it right now, and 2- Edinboro just wasn't the right program for me, at least not right now.

I think I rushed into choosing Edinboro because I was in the mindset that if I wanted to stay in Erie I'd have to go to a school really close by. I was wrong, obviously, that's not the only way for me to stay. And reality hit that if I want to have a roof over my head and food on the table, I need to work more than 25 hours a week which wouldn't really be possible with class, homework and an internship. So, my decision was made after much discussion and prayer, and I feel much better with the added stress of school and those added finances taken off my shoulders.

This week at the Mount we've been on retreat and it's been wonderful. I'll post all about it on Sunday, I think I've maxed out this one for now :)

Beautiful Days

I've really been enjoying my ministry work with the sisters in the infirmary. I had the greatest afternoon yesterday.

One of our elder, more senile and more eccentric sisters injured her foot the other day, and my big task was to get her to sit still for as long as possible. Trust me, this is no small task when this particular sister can be found walking the halls, swinging her rosary, singing "oh what a beautiful morning" at almost any time of the day. She's a fixture of the corridors, to say the least.

The real challenge was to get her to not only sit but to let us put her foot up so we could ice it. Well, 50% isn't too shabby considering how much of a busybody she really is. I was able to sit with her for about an hour and a half. I was on top of the world considering that I figured I'd be lucky to get 10 minutes out of her before I was chasing her down the hall.

My trick? Puzzles.Lots of them. We did 3 puzzles while we were sitting there together, and she chatted away happily. She wasn't as fidgety as I was expecting, and she only got up twice to try to get some water and I was able to get her to sit right back down and get it for her. Success at its finest.

After awhile she did want to go for a walk, it was so sunny and nice out I knew she'd be out there eventually. But she's always more than happy to take me along, and I even got her to sit on some of the benches along the path, for quite awhile each time. I was on a roll!

After getting her back upstairs to rest for a bit I took another sister out to enjoy some sun and fresh air. This sister is in a wheelchair and can't get around too easily. I was more than happy to push her around outside and we sat in the memory garden for awhile talking. She was so happy I thought she was going to burst, she was so delighted to see the flowers and the trees and all the little chipmunks running around. She kept saying "thank Jesus for this beautiful day, and thank you dear for bringing me out here to enjoy it."

I take it for granted, being outside in the nice weather all the time, going out whenever I want to walk and enjoy the grounds. I can't imagine being stuck inside and only making it out if someone manages to come up with the time to take you for a walk. I was so happy to be able to do that for her, something that seemed so simple to me meant the world to her.

I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

Getaway

Sometimes you really just need a chance to get away. And I don't mean just heading home for a couple of days. I mean really get away.

The last few months have been crazy, to say the very least. About  2 months ago or so, in the midst of some sort of combined meltdown, Alyssa and I booked some super cheap bus tickets to head to Long Island to visit Michelle, our closest friend from college, and to spend a little time in NYC too- which I had never been to before.

Now, keep in mind this wasn't a total impulse. We'd talked to Michelle and had an idea that we wanted to visit sometime in June after she was done with school. But the impulse came at 10:30 at night on a particularly rough tuesday where we both finally said "we're doing this, and we're doing it now." and *boom* tickets were booked and a plan was being made. You can't beat $20 bus tickets (round trip!!) you just can't.

So that's how this little scheme was born. We had weeks to plan our trip and get really super excited for it. It was nice having something so great to look forward to. I hadn't seen Michelle since last June and having never been to New York City I was ridiculously excited to go.

It was a wonderful trip, to say the very least. It was great to be reunited with a close friend, and the 3 of us are quite a group, let me just say. It was fun just hanging out, getting to sleep in a little, doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted to. It was nice to just be a normal 23 year old for a few days. I love it here at the monastery, I love my sisters, but of course I need chances to be a goofy, mildly impulsive, off-the-wall 23 year old.

We did way too much for me to rattle off here, but my favorite parts were going to see the Statue of Liberty and just walking around Times Square. I absolutely loved the city, all the lights and the people and the energy. I definitely have to make it back, sooner rather than later.

The adjustment now has been catching up on my sleep and readjusting to the schedule. I had a great time and it went way too fast for my liking, but it's nice to come back to all my sisters saying "welcome home!!! now tell me all about it." :)

Manhattan from Liberty Island

The 3 of us in Central Park. We belong on a postcard :)

Oh heyyyy Lady Liberty!

All excited about the bus ride to NYC...until the bus went into motion haha!

Grown Up Problems

I've decided that one of my least favorite things is having to make a major decision.

Maybe I'm really having a love/hate relationship with being an adult. That's also possible.

I'm just not a fan of having a massive decision in front of me, with a multitude of reasons for or against either side of the decision. Having it feel like my brain is in 15 places at once drives me bonkers.

That's right, bonkers.

I know the value in discernment, I always have. But trust me, I've learned it extra well since coming here. My decision even to be here was a massive one. Huge odds against me but even more to gain by just jumping for it. And look how right I was, it's all been worth it. Ups, downs and all.

But here I am, with two very difficult issues I'm trying to tackle, and I'm beyond overwhelmed. But, I have people to help me. My mom, best friend, mentor and director- all trying to help me think and clear up the jumbled mess that has been my head.

But it's still a lot to think about, and any decision is mine alone. That's daunting.

A few weeks ago, I saw this little wooden decoration that says "It's All Good" and I bought it for myself. I need that reminder, almost constantly. Like it should be stamped on the back of my hand, so I can always look down and remind myself that it's all good, all shall be well.

Actually, I have numerous things all over my room that are there to remind me of that. Psalm 62 is on my mirror, it takes up a huge corner of it: "My hope comes from God who is my rock and my salvation...trust God at all times." I have a card on another corner of my mirror that says "Don't Quit" at the top and goes on with a little encouraging poem. There's a little plaque on my dresser "Keep believing in yourself-- every goal that has ever been reached began with just one step and the belief that it could be attained... believe in yourself and remember that I believe in you too."

All of these were gifts, given to me at various times this year when I felt like I was losing it. And here they are, still telling me what I still need to hear, all these months later.

Anyway, here I am. Probably way better off than I come across in this post. I've got time to figure a few things out. And above all I trust that no matter what happens, I'll make the right decision, even if it doesn't seem like it right away. Everything always works out in the end. I have faith in that. If I didn't, this year wouldn't be happening. I need to remember that more often. See what happens when you put your faith wholly into something, even when a thousand things are going against you? Like God is up there going "See?? I told you so!!!"

God wouldn't ever bring me to something I couldn't get through. That's a fact.

New Ministry

I figure a little update on my ministries is in order seeing as my last post left a bit of a cliff hanger.

I spent my afternoons all last week helping out at The Alliance for International Monasticism with this massive project that involved entering a few hundred foreign mailing addresses into a computer mailing system. I promise you, it's just as fun as it sounds. It was a nice way to spend a few afternoons as I was in a room alone, plucking along through about 15 sheets of info, listening to music and dancing to my heart's content.

This week began my new afternoon ministry placements that I'll remain in until the program ends- which is in August, for the curious folks out there who can't remember when I started this whole thing. I'll spend 3 days a week helping out with grounds keeping and general odd jobs around the Mount. For example, Tuesday and today I washed lots of windows. I smell like windex and vinegar and my hands aren't the right color. But guess what? It was fantastic. I love manual labor, I love being able to get outside in the sun for a little bit, and I like the idea of doing little odd jobs that enhance the monastery. I can't even tell you how many sisters saw me up on the ladder, scraping sap off the dirty windows, and stopped to thank me. It made me appreciate what I was doing even more.

And there's something nice about repetitive work like that. I could enjoy the quiet or I could put on some music (I've been favoring the sisters' "Te Deum" CD while I've been working this week) and just work. It's prayerful. I'm really going to enjoy it especially because I'll be doing quite a bit of work outside and it's almost summer, so I can really enjoy the sun and the beautiful weather this time of year. Bring it on.

Besides all that, on Wednesdays I'll be helping out in the infirmary and assisted living wing. There are a couple sisters in particular they want me to work with, but I'll really get to spend time with almost everyone up there. I'll get to help with exercises and activities, walk around the grounds, put puzzles together, play games or just sit and talk with the sisters. My first afternoon on Wednesday was a great experience, I'm really looking forward to what this ministry placement will bring. Maybe I'll discover a new area in social work to focus on that maybe wouldn't have crossed my mind. The possibilities!

I'm really excited for these new placements. I was definitely ready for something entirely different from what I'd been doing. This feels good, and I'm happy for it.

Change

Most people don't know that my last day at the Kid's Cafe was this past Friday. I didn't tell a lot of people, I didn't want a big deal being made out of it, and I didn't want to answer the same question over and over: "why? I thought you loved it so much."

And I do. I did when I started, and I still loved it when I left. I'll always love the time I spent there, the people I worked with, and most of all the kids. But, I wanted to walk away while I still loved it.

For about two months now I had found myself struggling, a lot. Certain aspects of the job were really beginning to get to me. I'm not a disciplinarian, I never have been, I don't know how to be one effectively. I felt helpless trying to bring order to a room of rowdy kids, or even just trying to get one kid to listen and mend a poor choice of behavior. There was a level of respect I just couldn't get from the kids. It had a lot to do with my age, my lack of experience, the fact that there was not much I could relate to when it came to my kids.

All I could do was love them, and I did. Every single day. Even on the worst days. All I could do was give them a hug, talk to them a little, play a game or twelve of cards, color a few pictures, ask them to help me out in the kitchen with a special job, just spend time with them. All I could do was try to be as positive as I could be with them, and I was good at that for a long time.

In the last couple of months I found myself getting fed up way too often. I'd come home, dragging all my frustrations along behind me. I couldn't kick it, I couldn't stop feeling like I was helpless, like I was struggling so hard I couldn't manage. I'd be bummed out and miserable some nights. I wasn't happy.

Over the course of weeks I talked it over with my mentor, worked on different techniques to help me through without having to leave. But it eventually just hit a point that I needed to leave before I grew to dread it so much that I'd never want to walk through the doors again.

And I was able to leave on those terms. After the decision was made, I got to spend my last 3 weeks slowly letting go of some of my responsibilities and got back to just being able to spend time with the kids with a lot less yelling and scolding. I didn't have to get up and leave the activity I was doing with 3 or 4 kids, spending quality time with them, to run after the 1 kid wreaking havoc on the place.

I'd say the greatest gift I had there, the best thing I brought to the kids was being able to love them and spend time with them. I'll always stand by that. It's what made me chose the Cafe as my ministry for the first 6 months, it's what made me want to stay on for the second half. It's also what made me want to leave as I saw myself starting to get angry with the kids, losing my temper a time or two, I refused to let it come to that. I knew I was beginning to burn out, and I knew what I had to do.

It was sad leaving. There was no fuss, only a handful of kids knew. I was fortunate enough to get a lot of pictures taken with the kids on my last day. I was able to just sit with a few kids during dinner and talk to them. They asked a lot of questions about why I was leaving, accusing me of being just like everyone else who comes and goes and forgets about them. I assured them that wasn't the case.

The Kid's Cafe had one of the absolute largest impacts on me during my time here. I'll never forget a moment of it, I'll never forget the kids. It's not like I'm going far away, I'm staying in Erie, I'll still be working around in the neighborhood. Someday, in a few weeks maybe, I can always pop in for a little bit on a reflection day, just to visit and see how my kids are doing.

My kids taught me a lot, and I hope I taught them a little too. There will always be a place in my heart for the Kid's Cafe and for the kids who touched my life for 7 months.

Now, the process begins again, I'll spend this week trying out a few different ministries to see where I'd like to spend my afternoons for my last few months. A big part of this year for me has been gaining experience in a variety of places to see where I'm being called as I inch ever closer to beginning a career in social work. I'm so grateful for that opportunity.

While a part of me is sad knowing I won't be going to the Cafe this afternoon, or any afternoon from here on out, I'm also excited to try out something a little different. We'll see what's in store!

Racing Butterflies

I've promised myself approximately 983274932749823 times (remember, that's approximate) that I will be a little healthier. Sleep a little more, eat a little better, be a little more active. No massive changes, God knows I won't stick to them that way, just little things.

Given the blahs I've been experiencing lately (and yes, that's the official term) I've been extra motivated to just do something about it. So I've been trying to get to bed by like 10:30 (which in no way means I'm sleeping by then, I'm averaging 11 on that), not eat every piece of cake, cookie or brownie that passes into sight (which is a challenge, I assure you) and if nothing else I'm trying to walk for about 30 minutes a day.The walking is decently easy to accomplish since Alyssa and I will both go outside and walk around the Mount and chat. An hour flies by, no problem, it's like magic.

I do feel better when I manage to stick to it for more than a day or two. I'm releasing some pent up energy that's been hanging around for months. And the weather alone could change the world, with the warmth and sun. I love this time of year, I can break out a little.

I woke up to fantastic weather this morning, hot and kind of muggy, but the sun is out in all its glory. What else can I ask for? Feeling exceptionally motivated, I decided a bike ride needed to happen, and that was that. So, after much fussing and carrying on trying to get my bike out of the tangle that is our bike rack in the garage, and pumping up my tires I was on my way.

It was a really nice ride (except for the hills, I could do without them.) The lilacs are blooming like crazy, I love the way they smell.  But what I really enjoyed was seeing all the butterflies.

I've always loved butterflies. They're such beautiful, delicate little things. There's so much symbolism in such a simple, tiny creature. Something average and even ugly morphs into something beautiful, into a new life, a new state of being.

All I could think while I was riding around, huffing, puffing and sweating half to death, was how easy the butterflies make it look. They were passing in front of me constantly or flying up next to me. They were keeping pace with me- even if only for a moment- fluttering with almost no effort. Then they'd drop off and leave me, while I pushed on ahead.

8.5 miles and approximately 15,000 hills later (again, that's approximate) I finished a long, hot bike ride. And I feel really good, even as I'm typing this, on my floor, in front of my fan, trying to apologize to my knees. I feel good for the exercise I got, and being able to enjoy the great weather. I feel really peaceful, being able to ride along, and think and pray a little.

Overall, I just feel better. As I said in my last post, I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I'm getting back to normal, I'm happy for that. A lot is happening. And sooner than I know I can handle, I'm going to find myself like the butterflies- changing, onto the next phase.

But, that's part of life, it's why I'm here. To stay for awhile, to grow, to change, to come to the end ready to fly.

Music

It's hard to think of a post topic when my mind looks a little something like this lately:

"kadhfkjahdf374983r kjbd fdbafk@#124kajdsfalsdbvas"

I'm only mildly exaggerating.

A lot has been pressing on me, and I'll spare you the details. They're too long and complicated and I'm past that.

I've found myself wayyyy out of sorts lately. It took me about 7 months to hit a serious slump, but I hit it pretty darn hard.

I wish I could write this and say "I'm feeling like my normal self again- hoorah!" but I can't. And that's ok too. I'm transitioning, I'm getting there. I've been writing in my journal more to sort through some of my thoughts, and get out what I can't express to anyone out loud but God. I'm trying to motivate myself to be more active to blow off steam, get rid of some of this pent up energy and frustration and to spend time thinking.

Anyway, here I am. It's Monday night, it's about 9:30, I've been ready for bed since probably 6. Despite feeling tired all day and run down from a long weekend and not even getting home until about 8 tonight, I still came home, grabbed my rollerblades and my ipod and went outside to skate for about 25 minutes. It felt really good, the air was cool, the sky was growing dark and I just missed a storm by about 5 minutes when I finally came in.

Now, I titled this post music because as I was skating I had my ipod on. In general, I really like to get into my music, the lyrics, the beat, everything. I like lyrics that inspire me, I like a beat that motivates me. The right list of songs will push me through a grueling run or skate or a 4 hour car ride home.The right songs will calm me down and help me think.

As I was skating, I was picking a line out of each of the songs I was listening to. Most of them applied to me right now, some of the things I've been feeling in recent days and weeks, certain things I want to remind myself of everyday. So, here's just a few, I'll provide the Youtube links for your listening enjoyment (should you so wish to hear them) and the lines that grab at me.

Enjoy!

Casting Crowns- The Altar and the Door 
"I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard. Just let You be who you are, Lord who You are in me."

One Republic- All Fall Down
"Strong til you break, know that we all fall down."

When the Day Met the Night- Panic at the Disco
"Would it be alright if we just sat and talked for a little while if in exchange for your time I give you this smile?"  (this is my all time favorite song and I feel good when I listen to it no matter what)

Mumford and Sons- Awake my Soul
"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

Light of a Clear Blue Morning- Dolly Parton
"It's just a mountain, I can move it, and with faith enough there's nothing I can't do."

Had to throw in some Dolly at the end for good measure. Early 90's Dolly even, for extra good measure. Triple bonus points for the harmonica solo in the middle, how often do you hear that one?? It's one of my favorites that I've loved since I was a kid and another one that I can listen to no matter what mood I'm in, and suddenly I'm giddy. This song feels like a perfect prayer, by the end of it I'm uplifted. Gotta love how music can do that.

Why I Love the Sisters

I'm going to preface this post by saying that I'm in no way trying to represent the Benedictine Sisters of Erie with what I'm about to say, this is my own opinion and thought, that's it. That being said, please continue.

As I'm sure most of you have heard, the Vatican decided yesterday that it needed to crack down on the crazy, feminist sisters of the US.

Everyone, say it with me now: Are.you.kidding.me?

Evidently, some of the philosophies and programs established by women religious of the US do not adhere to church doctrine. Apparently advocating for women, children, the poor, needy and disadvantaged of this country are things the Vatican no longer approves of. When did church doctrine stop abiding by the teachings of Christ to love all people, to see all as equal and valid, no matter what?

Way to go. Did they approve of such things in the first place? I wonder. Tell me, what does the Vatican advocate anymore?

Let's forget what many of the men of the church have been up to in recent years, with scandals left and right. It appears the Church is looking for a major distraction from such issues, and found its scapegoat. Women religious (and lets be honest, most women with half a clue) are advocating for equal treatment of women, gay rights, womens reproductive rights, and ordination of woman, among other things. How dare we? Because, ya know, the men obviously know whats best for the women. They know what it's like to be denied necessary health care, to be treated like a second class citizen, to be voiceless in a world dominated by a clueless bunch of monkeys of the opposite sex. Right?

Oh yeah, that's right, THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED for them. And God forbid anyone challenge what the bishops say.

Tell you what, without the women religious of this country what would our health care or education systems look like? What would the Catholic faith as we know it in the US look like? How many Catholics in the US stay with the church for no reason other than women's religious communities and their experiences with them?

Guess what, gentlemen, the reason I love and stand by the Catholic faith is because of the sisters. They showed me that I don't have to agree with every rule set out by the Vatican, that there are other beliefs and practices out there that are very much Catholic and inline with who I want to be as a Catholic woman. Your way is not the only way, and I've found a place in the Catholic church that I can call my own. The sisters I know and love are having a huge impact on my life, and will continue to do so well into the future. Where would I be without them?

If I could say one thing to these Vatican officials it'd be this: you are clueless, and you don't even understand what it means to be a Catholic anymore because you're so out of touch with the real, everyday people of this faith- especially its women. Get a clue, get a grip, and realize that the world is changing. We're not living in the middle ages anymore, and your backwards, corrupt, patriarchal establishment needs to change if you want to see this church not only survive but thrive into the future.

I stand by my sisters, I stand by all women religious in this country. To take a few words from Sister Joan's response found here : "If everything you do has to be approved by somebody outside, then you’re giving your charism away, and you’re certainly demeaning the ability of women to make distinctions."

I encourage all of my readers to read up on this issue, sign this lovely petition here in support of our sisters, and tell the Vatican that we've had more than enough. Pass it along, get the word out there, support the women religious of this country.

Alleluia!

I'm not sure I have the words to do justice to Holy Week here at the Mount. I can say for certain that I'm ruined for life, I'm not sure I want to experience the Triduum anywhere else but here. Everything about the services over the last few days was bursting with celebration and reverence. I absolutely loved it.

I was able to participate in a few things at the various services and events. There was egg decorating Wednesday night, I gave a reflection to the retreatants on the morning of Holy Thursday, I was a voice during the washing of the feet ceremony and a table server at dinner on Holy Thursday, I was a guide for the Good Friday Peace Pilgrimage, I was part of a liturgical movement group for a contemporary lamentation piece on environmental issues Saturday morning, I processed in with flowers at the Easter Vigil Saturday night, and Alyssa and I were in charge of decorating one of the niches in the back of the chapel. It was a non-stop few days, but it was nice to be included in multiple aspects.

From the first time I experienced the Triduum 2 years ago as I came to the end of my RCIA experience, I loved it. I've always liked Easter, but it definitely became my favorite part of the Liturgical year. I love it even more having experienced it here with this community. The Vigil Saturday night was by far my favorite part of Holy Week. The music alone was enough to floor me. Add in the way the readings were done, the flowers were processed in, the way everyone sang and danced at the end, it was beyond compare of anything I've ever been a part of.

Check out the Sisters' website here to see the story on decorating the chapel for Easter

Also check out Sister Susan Doubet's blog here for more photos and stories about Holy Week.


Happy Easter everyone!!

One Moment.

Every day I try to find one moment that just makes my entire day.

Some days it's way more difficult than others. If I'm having a particularly bad day at the Cafe it could be something as simple as a child saying "thanks." Some days I find myself not being able to pull out anything- and that's when I know my heart wasn't in the right place that day. Luckily, that's only happened a couple of times.

Yesterday was another Wednesday that seemed like it was never going to end. Wednesday usually seems to be the hardest day of my week. I think the kids have a rough day because it's the middle of the week, and they're antsy for the weekend already. I think by Wednesday afternoon I'm so desperate for some peace and quiet on my reflection day, I'm fighting up that last little bit of the mountain until I get to relax. Maybe God has a really good sense of humor and knows that since I do have the next day of peace and quiet, I should have to really earn it on Wednesday.

Anyway, I found myself in the midst of a crazy, hectic, wild afternoon at the Cafe. I came with a raging headache and feeling a little woozy thanks to a bit of a gas leak at the Soup Kitchen, courtesy of an oven burner not wanting to stay lit. Starting the afternoon with a headache is always recipe for disaster, as my kiddos have one volume, and it happens to be 11.

I was standing in front of my line-up of kids on the time out bench, ready to burst when one of our little ones came up to me. I was in the middle of disciplining the bench when she started practically climbing up my arm yelling my name. I bent down to see what she wanted and she said "Miss Carrie, can we pray?" I said sure, and asked her what for. "That lady in there with the broken knee, I want to pray for her so she feels better." She grabbed my hand with both of her's, and I wrapped my other hand around her's and told her to lead the way. She closed her little eyes and said a prayer with all she had in her- "Dear God, I hope Ms. Kathy feels better." She sat in silence for a moment, with her eyes still shut tight and I said quietly to her "Amen?" and she jumped up, arms in the air shouting "Amen!"

That bursting feeling in my head went straight to my heart after that. She's one kid I can always count on to brighten my day.

Worry.

You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now.

I'm a notorious worrier. And I feel like I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid, I'd be worrying about things that I really shouldn't have been bothered by, things I should have left to my Mom. But I just couldn't help but worry too.

So here I am, 23 years old and still a chronic worrier, but I'm getting better at it (or so I'd like to think.) And I'm starting to realize that lately because I've been plagued by a number of worries that in the end all resulted in the same thing: everything worked out fine, and I then wondered why in the world I worried so hard in the first place.

Imagine that.

Probably my biggest worry as of late was taking over responsibility for the kitchen at the Kid's Cafe. I agreed to it and immediately questioned my sanity. I then spent a whole week worrying about it. I finally hit a point where I just said to myself that I was ready for it to just happen, I was ready to have it all dropped on me because I was sick of worrying and not just being able to get to it. My first week was a breeze, and my 2nd week was just as good. And now I'm onto my third week without much bothering me about it. I was right, I just needed to dive into it and make it my own. Everything worked out just fine, like always.

And it's that part that I'm catching onto- like.always.

I literally worried myself sick my junior year of college about my terrible job and trying to afford to live. I worried about my senior year- graduating, working another lame job, trying to figure out what to do with my future. I worried a lot over the summer about my decision to come do this program and about having enough money to make it a reality. I worried in my first months here about my school loans getting deferred. I worried about the Cafe and what would happen this month as we lost a long-time staff member and I took on extra responsibilities. I worried every morning for half of last week about a difficult conversation I was dreading taking part in. Sometimes now I catch myself worrying a little about what's to come as my time at the Mount ticks quickly by- jobs, apartments, school beginning again- and I slam the brakes on and remind myself to stop.it.

I'm learning. There's no use in worrying. None. Because in every single thing I just rattled off above everything worked out. There were moments where it didn't look possible, but it was all ok in the end.

When I stop worrying and put it all in God's hands I can't go wrong. Eventually I'll get to a point where I won't spend days or weeks worrying about things. I won't even spend more than a moment- long enough to acknowledge what it is and kick it out of my brain and into God's hands.

I'm a work in progress, like I am in all things. I'm getting there.

The world lost two good women this week, rest in peace Sister Benedict and Sandy.

Through Another's Eyes

I was blessed to have exceptionally beautiful weather yesterday for my reflection day. I spent a couple of hours outside reading in the morning, and spent the bulk of my afternoon reading, reflecting and relaxing. I was outside again for awhile writing a letter to my cousin when one of our older and more senile sisters came outside to join me at the table on the deck.

After snoozing for a bit in the shade, she decided to get up and go back in but couldn't find the door that was propped open. Assuming she was locked out, she headed for the stairs and I followed behind her. I asked if she was going for a walk, she replied "well where are you going?" I told her I was going to go around the grounds and asked if she'd join me.

So we walked for about 15 minutes, and she marveled at the flowers in bloom and the trees with their colorful flowers but no leaves. It was a neat experience, sharing that walk with her and reflecting through the eyes of another person. Everything was new and exciting to her, she was filled with the awe of a child exploring the great outdoors, soaking in the sun and all the colors, singing "oh what a beautiful morning" the whole way. It was refreshing looking at the world the way she does- brand new and full of wonder.

On the Other Side

It's really interesting to be on the other side of things as I've seen the student groups come here to spend their service weeks. We had Canisius back in January, and Ohio Wesleyan University was here last week.

It was one thing to come for the first time just as a student on the trip, walking through the doors and really not knowing what to expect of a week in a monastery. It was another thing to then lead a group the following year, helping my team prepare for this and then watching their faces as we walked in the doors for the first time and jumped right in. It's a completely different experience to watch these other groups of students, most of whom I'm never met, and see how they enjoy their time here.

It's fun to see their faces when they walk in or how they look around in awe at the chapel at their first prayer gathering. It's interesting to see how they look around the dining room for a spot to sit. It's even more interesting to see how they start out so shy and quiet in the first couple of days, but then quickly open up completely to everyone.

It makes me wonder what I looked like my first time here. I'm sure not all too different from what I've seen now on this side of the fence. I'd pay good money to see a video of myself in my first day or two here a couple of years ago.

Now look at me. I've been living here for almost 7 months. I'm so natural in this atmosphere and around these women that you'd think I've been here for ages. I guess it's one thing I love so much about this place and these women- you don't ever have to be something you're not. I can be loud and goofy, I can be serious and quiet, I can be anything in between. And no matter how I am that day or in that particular conversation, I'm embraced for who I am- loud, silly, quiet, and all.

It's really what I love, and I'd bet it's why most of the students and any guests, who come here to visit love it here and want to come back. No matter how long your stay- a day, a week, a whole year- you're embraced as being one of the community, just the way you are. To borrow a term from some of the OWU girls, you're not the "other".

You're allowed to just be, whatever that means for you. Who doesn't want that? No wonder I was hooked on this place after my very first afternoon visit. And how blessed I am now to be spending a whole year in such a positive space before I take on the next phase of my life.

I don't believe it gets much better than that.

What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?

I had this thought yesterday morning as I was sweeping up the back storage room at the soup kitchen. I thought about all the jobs I've had since I started working at the age of 16, and couldn't help but smile.

Here I am doing what most people would call grunt work (sweeping, moving boxes, opening cans, doing dishes, setting out the bread, making coffee, restocking the kitchen, etc.) and I'm l-o-v-i-n-g it. And I'm doing it for free and it doesn't even matter to me.

And I guess that's the part that really stood out to me- I'm doing all of this for free. On purpose. I asked for this. And I love it.

In all 7 years that I've been working I found myself saying the same thing: "I hate this job, but at least I'm making money." I'd find myself being able to get up and face another day if only because I knew I needed the money. I'd be miserable, dreading the thought of another day, another hour, another moment at a job that I hated. But I'd do it for the money and because I didn't have another choice. There are only so many jobs a full-time student with "no experience" can get, and most of those include food, cash registers, and general butt-kissing of customers and managers who all treat you like you're a first class idiot.

Now I find myself doing work that is probably harder on me than anything I've done in the past- especially my afternoon placement at the Cafe. I deal with a lot emotionally and physically almost every single day. But I live for it, I can't imagine doing anything else with myself this year.

That's how I want to be my whole life. Of course, I want to live comfortably. But more than that, I want to get up for work every day of my life without dreading it. I don't want the paycheck to be the only thing that manages to get me though another 8 hour day. I want to feel like the work I'm doing matters to someone, somewhere, because if I'm not doing what I love then what's the point?

So, my faithful readers, I ask- what gets you out of bed every morning?

 

Saw these little cuties on my walk to the Cafe yesterday. What a welcome sign of spring! :)

Quiet

I'm a loud, outgoing, talkative, energetic person most of the time. Some days I feel like I'm constantly going, going, going... I should have "Energizer" stamped on my back. So when I slow down, quiet down, and tune out- which doesn't happen all that often- I tend to throw people off. Especially those who know me best.

Most of the time I'd choose to spend the evening talking about my day with Alyssa, or my mentor, or just in general with a sister who is curious about the day's events. But I'm discovering more and more lately that I need quiet. I almost crave it at the end of a particularly long, loud, hectic day. It's a chance to escape, to talk to God, to process, to unwind, to re-energize.  There are days I expend so much energy that by the time I get home I'm sapped.

Last week I was extremely happy that on Wednesday night it was exceptionally warm out, and the moon was full and bright as could be. So, Alyssa and I decided to head outside for a walk after dinner (and after some rather competitive Jeopardy viewing with my mentor and our director.) We walked for about 45 minutes, and most of it was in silence. It was so peaceful out, so still, so perfect. Alyssa talked a little, I mostly just listened, and we just walked.

My reflection day on Thursday turned out to be rainy and dreary, so I wasn't able to go sit outside like I was hoping. I have a couple of spots out in the woods and down at Glinodo that I like to go to sit when I need some peace. But after some reading and reflecting in the afternoon I decided to head to the chapel. In the back there is a little room with the tabernacle, I went in there and sat on a bench in the back of the room for over a half hour and talked out loud to God. I ranted a little and I prayed a lot. And I walked out feeling incredibly rejuvenated and at peace.

So, I've been a little stressed the last couple of weeks, but I'm doing just fine. All will be well in a couple of weeks once I get used to my new responsibilities at the Cafe. As I mentioned in my post last week- I am blessed with the most wonderful support system, they help keep me up on two feet. And of course, I couldn't do any of this if I didn't have God on my side.

My apologies if this is a rambling mess :)  For being such a good sport, I'll include a song at the end that I'm madly in love with...is it a contradiction to end a post about quiet with a song? Eh, oh well :) enjoy: Meteor Shower


"I am not my own, for I have been made new. Please don't let me go, I desperately need You."

A Little Bit of This and That

The "This and That Club" is a weekly gathering of some of the older Sisters that includes activities, movies and discussion. If you're really lucky, like I was today, it involves walker-robics and cookies, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

A couple of weeks ago Alyssa was asked to speak to the group on her reflection day to tell them more about herself and why she chose to come here for the year. I was so excited to hear all about it, and she even got a little write up on the website about it.

I was more than happy to say yes when I was asked to speak with the group this week on my reflection day. I was also thoroughly intrigued when I saw that walker-robics was on the agenda for the meeting, and was actually excited that I got to participate, it was pretty neat.

After some exercising, some book discussion, and some general chitchat, it was my turn to take the mic and try to explain everything I could about myself and how I ended up at the monastery for a year. As it was put before I began my talk, most every Sister here knows a little bit about the two of us, they know the basics, but they don't really know exactly why we're here or how it came to be in the first place.

It was a really nice opportunity to share a little more about myself, my family, my experiences in life both here and before, and how this wild ride is going for me so far. I know it meant a lot to the Sisters that I shared with, but it also means the world to me to be able to share more of myself with them. It truly was a very reflective experience, and I feel honored to have had the opportunity to share with them.

*thunk*

That's the sound of me hitting a minor wall. 

There's a lot to this year. There's all the good that I get out of it every single day, but there are some days that are rougher than others. It's inevitable, especially when you look at the populations I work with in my ministries. There are some days now and then when I just hit my limit on bad attitude and yelling from my kids, but I love them all the same. Not because I have to, but I want to. I practically need to, I can't help but love them.

I'm blessed to come home every day to a peaceful and pleasant atmosphere. Even if I've had a rough, tiring day, I come home to prayer with the community and that usually brings me down.

I'm not blogging about this to complain in any way. It's just part of it. An honest blog about this experience has to include a little of the struggle. I keep most of it to my private journal, or to my meetings with my mentor, or some of my nightly recaps of my day with Alyssa. And I have family I can call and talk to whenever I need them. And of course I give it to God.

What kind of growing experience would this year be if I didn't face a struggle now and then? I'm never alone in them and there's always something to be gained. Whether it be patience, understanding, well earned love or respect, a new reason to pray.

I fell a little behind in my Lent reflection book last week. As it always seems to be when that happens, I got more out of a reflection question or prayer days later than I would have if I'd read it on the right day. One of the daily reflections was on vocation, and this was the prayer at the end:

"Providential God, teach us your ways. Through the gift of the Holy Spirit may we discern daily what you ask of us. Give us the gift of wisdom to know your truth; give us the gift of courage to do your will."

Ah, as usual, it was just what I needed, right when I needed it. God works that way. Not sometimes, but always.

Table Conversations

Some of my favorite times of the day are meals. Partially because I like to eat, but I also love the chance to sit and talk with everyone. Whether it's about everyone's day or something completely off the wall, it's almost always a good time. I think it's the best chance to learn about people, chatting away over a meal. Isn't that how any family does it? Sitting around the dinner table and catching up on whats going on in everyone's lives.

Different from a typical family set up is that here at the Mount there's about 60-something of us, and chances are good that you won't sit with the same people two meals or even two days in a row. And you never know what combination of people you're going to get. This evening at dinner Alyssa and I both set our dinner trays down before heading up for a salad. Upon returning, there were two Sisters at our table, one of whom said "It's a big gamble taking a seat at a table where you see two trays and empty seats, you never know who it's going to be."

The group at my table tonight had a very lively discussion about many different things, but seeing as 5 out of 6 of us maintain blogs, we chatted a lot about that topic. 3 of us post regularly twice a week on the same days, and we talked about the pressure involved in those constant deadlines. Sometimes a topic just won't seem to come, and in that case I usually have no problem skipping that day altogether, or just pushing it off a day (like this one for example).

The Sister who writes the Light Through Stained Glass Windows blog for the Mount said it's a discipline to post faithfully on the same days every week, and to have good topics. Because, ya know, I could just get on here and post about whatever, but that doesn't mean anyone wants to read it! Or sometimes, your ridiculous table conversation turns into a blog post. And that's always helpful :)

I always link to Alyssa's blog on my sidebar to the right, but here she is again for good measure: One Year at the Mount

Here's a link to the Oblate Blog maintained by another Sister that was at my table tonight. The other Sister's blogs can't be accessed unless you're a member of Monasteries of the Heart, which you should also check out :)

Halfway

Coming to terms with the fact that I'm halfway through this experience isn't the easiest thing to do. I've made comments before about how hard it is to believe that it's been a year since I began this process, coming here for my first of many meetings with my director. It's hard to believe that it's been six months already since that beautiful August day when I moved in. It's funny to think about how nervous I was to begin this whole thing, worrying about everything working out with my finances, my school loans, my own ability to take on something like this.

But here I am, 6 months into it with 6 more to go, and I can't imagine being anywhere else or doing anything else or being with anyone else. I love everything about this experience so far. If I'm feeling so much and I'm only halfway through, I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when August once again rolls around and I'm onto the next chapter. But I'm not worrying about that now. Nope, I'm not.

I've spent some time today working on an assignment given to all three of us by our director that asks us to reflect on what we've learned so far about ourselves, others, God, life and Benedictinism. Not an easy task, by any means, but it's very thought provoking, and very necessary as we hit this halfway point. I feel a million and ten things about what I've learned about all of these things, about what I've been experiencing and how it's shaping me, but it's so hard to put into words. I can sum it up simply by saying that this is everything I'd hoped it would be, and more. Some days I can't believe I'm living out this wonderful blessing.

Of course, I've been writing much more than that for this little assignment of mine. It's taking me awhile to find the words for what I feel about all of this, but they're coming.

As I've been working on this and other assignments and reading and reflecting all day, I've had Pandora on to a Gregorian chant station. I highly recommend it if you like chant.

And if you don't know what Pandora is in the first place, I highly recommend it in general. 

Retreat

We were blessed this weekend with the opportunity for a retreat with all three Rieppers, our mentors and director. It was only from Friday evening to Saturday evening, but it was a wonderful chance to get away, spend some time together with each other and with God, and reflect deeply on the love that permeates every aspect of our lives. We created a piece of art expressing how we view love, read from Scripture, created candles and reflected on the process, took a walk in nature to reflect, read a lot, wrote a lot, and shared a lot. It was a wonderfully peaceful weekend.

Retreats have always been one of my favorite things, everyone needs a chance to step back, relax, reflect, and find peace. And there's always something so deeply enriching about spending special time with and sharing pieces of yourself with others. It always reminds me that there are threads that bind us all together, we are never alone whether it be in our struggles or in our joy.

I'll share a couple of pictures below of the weekend. We were asked to create a piece of art focusing on the word love and how we view it. After meditating on the word for a few minutes I was struck with this: Little Ordinary Vibrant Expressions. That's what love means to me. It's not always about the big, obvious expressions of love. I've learned especially since being here that love can be entirely wrapped up in the little ordinary interactions like a smile, sitting and talking with someone for a little while, a laugh or a hug from one of my kids, just merely being there for someone. I've always known these little things were expressions of love, but the true power of them, the vibrancy, is something I've comefully appreciate recently.

My art and a wooden rose given to us as a reminder of this weekend, and the love in our lives.

My sand candle

Taking some time in nature, and it decided to snow :)

L-O-V-E

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! It's a day all about love, and not just for a significant other, there's way more love out there to be had. Personally, I'm madly in love with life, with my family, my dearest friends, my crazy kids, these Sisters, and my little furball back home. God loves me, and I'm sharing that love with everyone I can.

Yesterday marked a couple of big things. It was on February 13th last year that Alyssa and I first came to the Mount for our initial meeting to begin the process to enter this program. I remember very vividly how nervous and excited I was, wondering how it would all turn out, not knowing if I'd be able to make it work. A whole year later, and it's crazy to see how fast it has gone, and to see how far I've come.

Last Friday was my last day at SBEC, and it was a great day. I was surprised with bagels and a couple of presents, one of them being a bag handmade by one of the refugees. It's such a nice gift and a wonderful reminder of my time there. Yesterday I began work at my new morning ministry with Emmaus, which includes the soup kitchen, food pantry, a women's advocacy program, and the Kid's Cafe. I'm still with the Kid's Cafe in the afternoons, and I'll split my time between the other three ministries in the mornings as needed. I'm excited to see what the next 6 months will bring, so far I'm enjoying it :)

One of my welcome signs yesterday morning :)

Words of wisdom from one of my kids at the Cafe

Mind.Body.Soul.

The three things I'm supposed to replenish on my reflection day.

And every day, if we want to be technical about it (and why not be technical?) Everyday I should challenge my mind, expand my understanding, read from a good book. Everyday I should nurture my soul, savor the happy moments, spend time in prayer, talk with God, and more importantly listen to God. Everyday I should give my body the rest it needs, try to eat decently, and get up and move as often as I can.

Two out of three everyday isn't bad, right? I've got the mind and soul parts down, those are a little easier for me. The body is a little more of a challenge when I'm a total foodie and have almost no motivation to jump on a treadmill....ever. I prefer getting outside to get in some exercise, but that doesn't usually work so well in the winter or in a place notorious for (horrendously frequent) precipitation of every kind. And I'll totally pull the "I don't have enough time" card when it comes to exercise and immediately hear everyone call my bluff.

I've told myself the last couple of weeks that I'd start at Lent. I'll give up what's bad for me that I've been eating (yummy as it all is) and motivate myself to get up and be more active more often.

But then I was sitting on my bed, in the middle of doing some laundry and reading an assignment when I looked out the window and realized how glorious the sun was today. And it wasn't terribly cold out. And I have a new pair of running shoes I got for Christmas that haven't seen more than a brisk walk in almost two months. And the next thing I knew I was changing out of my jeans, putting on a hoodie, lacing up my sneakers and making my way to the back door. And then I was running through the woods by the herms, and then across the road down to camp, and then up the boardwalk, and *boom* I was at the lake.

It wasn't half as bad as I thought it'd be, cold and all, saying Hail Mary's the whole way to keep my mind off the fact that I was running and I hate running and I'm terribly out of shape...but who cares because it was a gorgeous day. I sat on a bench down by the lake and watched the waves crash wildly against the little stone pier, and I stretched out my cold, tight leg muscles that had no idea what in the world I was doing to them, and I breathed in the cold air burning my lungs.

And I thanked God for the cold on my legs and the wind in my face, the ache in my legs and the burning in my lungs. Because I'm alive, I'm healthy, and even if I don't like to run at least I can do it. And it was a beautiful day, and I was happy to be out enjoying it. I sat for a few more minutes, saying some prayers and feeling really content. Then I got up, and ran back to the Mount. I somehow turned something I hate doing into a relaxing, prayerful experience. Imagine that.

It's been really great that the sun is starting to peek up earlier and earlier every morning. Maybe that will motivate me enough to go for a quick jog after prayer a few mornings a week, at least as long as there's still no snow for now. There's something incredibly energizing about a good run, and I forget that. It would be really nice to start my day off rejuvenating my body and soul right off the bat.

We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck, the no-motivation-monster likes to make frequent stops at my door, especially in the morning!

Super Bowl- Benedictine Style

Nothing overwhelmingly exciting went on this weekend besides the big game. Alyssa was still sick, I was still playing nurse, and we've been dog-sitting for a Sister who is out of town for a bit (by the way- "dog-sitter" is a polite way to say I'm a glorified poop scooper :P)

It was a lot of fun watching the Super Bowl here with everyone. There was lots of good food to be had, and a really nice big TV to watch the game on in HD. Not too shabby. It seemed the entire house was for the Giants, which was OK by me as I refuse to cheer for the Patriots...ever. One Sister put it oh so well "Brady should be in a tutu." Too true, Sister, too true.

One of my favorite parts of the evening may have been one Sister falling soundly asleep in the middle of the game, despite all of us hooting and hollering like maniacs at the TV. It was priceless :)

One of our elder Sisters had a bit of fun doodling on the betting pool grid. Here's a little bit of her handiwork below. I wasn't going to buy a box, I'm never one to gamble because I never win. But it was only $1, and I decided to buy a box she had drawn in. I figured maybe she knew something we all didn't.