One Moment.

Every day I try to find one moment that just makes my entire day.

Some days it's way more difficult than others. If I'm having a particularly bad day at the Cafe it could be something as simple as a child saying "thanks." Some days I find myself not being able to pull out anything- and that's when I know my heart wasn't in the right place that day. Luckily, that's only happened a couple of times.

Yesterday was another Wednesday that seemed like it was never going to end. Wednesday usually seems to be the hardest day of my week. I think the kids have a rough day because it's the middle of the week, and they're antsy for the weekend already. I think by Wednesday afternoon I'm so desperate for some peace and quiet on my reflection day, I'm fighting up that last little bit of the mountain until I get to relax. Maybe God has a really good sense of humor and knows that since I do have the next day of peace and quiet, I should have to really earn it on Wednesday.

Anyway, I found myself in the midst of a crazy, hectic, wild afternoon at the Cafe. I came with a raging headache and feeling a little woozy thanks to a bit of a gas leak at the Soup Kitchen, courtesy of an oven burner not wanting to stay lit. Starting the afternoon with a headache is always recipe for disaster, as my kiddos have one volume, and it happens to be 11.

I was standing in front of my line-up of kids on the time out bench, ready to burst when one of our little ones came up to me. I was in the middle of disciplining the bench when she started practically climbing up my arm yelling my name. I bent down to see what she wanted and she said "Miss Carrie, can we pray?" I said sure, and asked her what for. "That lady in there with the broken knee, I want to pray for her so she feels better." She grabbed my hand with both of her's, and I wrapped my other hand around her's and told her to lead the way. She closed her little eyes and said a prayer with all she had in her- "Dear God, I hope Ms. Kathy feels better." She sat in silence for a moment, with her eyes still shut tight and I said quietly to her "Amen?" and she jumped up, arms in the air shouting "Amen!"

That bursting feeling in my head went straight to my heart after that. She's one kid I can always count on to brighten my day.

Worry.

You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now.

I'm a notorious worrier. And I feel like I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid, I'd be worrying about things that I really shouldn't have been bothered by, things I should have left to my Mom. But I just couldn't help but worry too.

So here I am, 23 years old and still a chronic worrier, but I'm getting better at it (or so I'd like to think.) And I'm starting to realize that lately because I've been plagued by a number of worries that in the end all resulted in the same thing: everything worked out fine, and I then wondered why in the world I worried so hard in the first place.

Imagine that.

Probably my biggest worry as of late was taking over responsibility for the kitchen at the Kid's Cafe. I agreed to it and immediately questioned my sanity. I then spent a whole week worrying about it. I finally hit a point where I just said to myself that I was ready for it to just happen, I was ready to have it all dropped on me because I was sick of worrying and not just being able to get to it. My first week was a breeze, and my 2nd week was just as good. And now I'm onto my third week without much bothering me about it. I was right, I just needed to dive into it and make it my own. Everything worked out just fine, like always.

And it's that part that I'm catching onto- like.always.

I literally worried myself sick my junior year of college about my terrible job and trying to afford to live. I worried about my senior year- graduating, working another lame job, trying to figure out what to do with my future. I worried a lot over the summer about my decision to come do this program and about having enough money to make it a reality. I worried in my first months here about my school loans getting deferred. I worried about the Cafe and what would happen this month as we lost a long-time staff member and I took on extra responsibilities. I worried every morning for half of last week about a difficult conversation I was dreading taking part in. Sometimes now I catch myself worrying a little about what's to come as my time at the Mount ticks quickly by- jobs, apartments, school beginning again- and I slam the brakes on and remind myself to stop.it.

I'm learning. There's no use in worrying. None. Because in every single thing I just rattled off above everything worked out. There were moments where it didn't look possible, but it was all ok in the end.

When I stop worrying and put it all in God's hands I can't go wrong. Eventually I'll get to a point where I won't spend days or weeks worrying about things. I won't even spend more than a moment- long enough to acknowledge what it is and kick it out of my brain and into God's hands.

I'm a work in progress, like I am in all things. I'm getting there.

The world lost two good women this week, rest in peace Sister Benedict and Sandy.

Through Another's Eyes

I was blessed to have exceptionally beautiful weather yesterday for my reflection day. I spent a couple of hours outside reading in the morning, and spent the bulk of my afternoon reading, reflecting and relaxing. I was outside again for awhile writing a letter to my cousin when one of our older and more senile sisters came outside to join me at the table on the deck.

After snoozing for a bit in the shade, she decided to get up and go back in but couldn't find the door that was propped open. Assuming she was locked out, she headed for the stairs and I followed behind her. I asked if she was going for a walk, she replied "well where are you going?" I told her I was going to go around the grounds and asked if she'd join me.

So we walked for about 15 minutes, and she marveled at the flowers in bloom and the trees with their colorful flowers but no leaves. It was a neat experience, sharing that walk with her and reflecting through the eyes of another person. Everything was new and exciting to her, she was filled with the awe of a child exploring the great outdoors, soaking in the sun and all the colors, singing "oh what a beautiful morning" the whole way. It was refreshing looking at the world the way she does- brand new and full of wonder.

On the Other Side

It's really interesting to be on the other side of things as I've seen the student groups come here to spend their service weeks. We had Canisius back in January, and Ohio Wesleyan University was here last week.

It was one thing to come for the first time just as a student on the trip, walking through the doors and really not knowing what to expect of a week in a monastery. It was another thing to then lead a group the following year, helping my team prepare for this and then watching their faces as we walked in the doors for the first time and jumped right in. It's a completely different experience to watch these other groups of students, most of whom I'm never met, and see how they enjoy their time here.

It's fun to see their faces when they walk in or how they look around in awe at the chapel at their first prayer gathering. It's interesting to see how they look around the dining room for a spot to sit. It's even more interesting to see how they start out so shy and quiet in the first couple of days, but then quickly open up completely to everyone.

It makes me wonder what I looked like my first time here. I'm sure not all too different from what I've seen now on this side of the fence. I'd pay good money to see a video of myself in my first day or two here a couple of years ago.

Now look at me. I've been living here for almost 7 months. I'm so natural in this atmosphere and around these women that you'd think I've been here for ages. I guess it's one thing I love so much about this place and these women- you don't ever have to be something you're not. I can be loud and goofy, I can be serious and quiet, I can be anything in between. And no matter how I am that day or in that particular conversation, I'm embraced for who I am- loud, silly, quiet, and all.

It's really what I love, and I'd bet it's why most of the students and any guests, who come here to visit love it here and want to come back. No matter how long your stay- a day, a week, a whole year- you're embraced as being one of the community, just the way you are. To borrow a term from some of the OWU girls, you're not the "other".

You're allowed to just be, whatever that means for you. Who doesn't want that? No wonder I was hooked on this place after my very first afternoon visit. And how blessed I am now to be spending a whole year in such a positive space before I take on the next phase of my life.

I don't believe it gets much better than that.

What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?

I had this thought yesterday morning as I was sweeping up the back storage room at the soup kitchen. I thought about all the jobs I've had since I started working at the age of 16, and couldn't help but smile.

Here I am doing what most people would call grunt work (sweeping, moving boxes, opening cans, doing dishes, setting out the bread, making coffee, restocking the kitchen, etc.) and I'm l-o-v-i-n-g it. And I'm doing it for free and it doesn't even matter to me.

And I guess that's the part that really stood out to me- I'm doing all of this for free. On purpose. I asked for this. And I love it.

In all 7 years that I've been working I found myself saying the same thing: "I hate this job, but at least I'm making money." I'd find myself being able to get up and face another day if only because I knew I needed the money. I'd be miserable, dreading the thought of another day, another hour, another moment at a job that I hated. But I'd do it for the money and because I didn't have another choice. There are only so many jobs a full-time student with "no experience" can get, and most of those include food, cash registers, and general butt-kissing of customers and managers who all treat you like you're a first class idiot.

Now I find myself doing work that is probably harder on me than anything I've done in the past- especially my afternoon placement at the Cafe. I deal with a lot emotionally and physically almost every single day. But I live for it, I can't imagine doing anything else with myself this year.

That's how I want to be my whole life. Of course, I want to live comfortably. But more than that, I want to get up for work every day of my life without dreading it. I don't want the paycheck to be the only thing that manages to get me though another 8 hour day. I want to feel like the work I'm doing matters to someone, somewhere, because if I'm not doing what I love then what's the point?

So, my faithful readers, I ask- what gets you out of bed every morning?

 

Saw these little cuties on my walk to the Cafe yesterday. What a welcome sign of spring! :)

Quiet

I'm a loud, outgoing, talkative, energetic person most of the time. Some days I feel like I'm constantly going, going, going... I should have "Energizer" stamped on my back. So when I slow down, quiet down, and tune out- which doesn't happen all that often- I tend to throw people off. Especially those who know me best.

Most of the time I'd choose to spend the evening talking about my day with Alyssa, or my mentor, or just in general with a sister who is curious about the day's events. But I'm discovering more and more lately that I need quiet. I almost crave it at the end of a particularly long, loud, hectic day. It's a chance to escape, to talk to God, to process, to unwind, to re-energize.  There are days I expend so much energy that by the time I get home I'm sapped.

Last week I was extremely happy that on Wednesday night it was exceptionally warm out, and the moon was full and bright as could be. So, Alyssa and I decided to head outside for a walk after dinner (and after some rather competitive Jeopardy viewing with my mentor and our director.) We walked for about 45 minutes, and most of it was in silence. It was so peaceful out, so still, so perfect. Alyssa talked a little, I mostly just listened, and we just walked.

My reflection day on Thursday turned out to be rainy and dreary, so I wasn't able to go sit outside like I was hoping. I have a couple of spots out in the woods and down at Glinodo that I like to go to sit when I need some peace. But after some reading and reflecting in the afternoon I decided to head to the chapel. In the back there is a little room with the tabernacle, I went in there and sat on a bench in the back of the room for over a half hour and talked out loud to God. I ranted a little and I prayed a lot. And I walked out feeling incredibly rejuvenated and at peace.

So, I've been a little stressed the last couple of weeks, but I'm doing just fine. All will be well in a couple of weeks once I get used to my new responsibilities at the Cafe. As I mentioned in my post last week- I am blessed with the most wonderful support system, they help keep me up on two feet. And of course, I couldn't do any of this if I didn't have God on my side.

My apologies if this is a rambling mess :)  For being such a good sport, I'll include a song at the end that I'm madly in love with...is it a contradiction to end a post about quiet with a song? Eh, oh well :) enjoy: Meteor Shower


"I am not my own, for I have been made new. Please don't let me go, I desperately need You."

A Little Bit of This and That

The "This and That Club" is a weekly gathering of some of the older Sisters that includes activities, movies and discussion. If you're really lucky, like I was today, it involves walker-robics and cookies, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

A couple of weeks ago Alyssa was asked to speak to the group on her reflection day to tell them more about herself and why she chose to come here for the year. I was so excited to hear all about it, and she even got a little write up on the website about it.

I was more than happy to say yes when I was asked to speak with the group this week on my reflection day. I was also thoroughly intrigued when I saw that walker-robics was on the agenda for the meeting, and was actually excited that I got to participate, it was pretty neat.

After some exercising, some book discussion, and some general chitchat, it was my turn to take the mic and try to explain everything I could about myself and how I ended up at the monastery for a year. As it was put before I began my talk, most every Sister here knows a little bit about the two of us, they know the basics, but they don't really know exactly why we're here or how it came to be in the first place.

It was a really nice opportunity to share a little more about myself, my family, my experiences in life both here and before, and how this wild ride is going for me so far. I know it meant a lot to the Sisters that I shared with, but it also means the world to me to be able to share more of myself with them. It truly was a very reflective experience, and I feel honored to have had the opportunity to share with them.

*thunk*

That's the sound of me hitting a minor wall. 

There's a lot to this year. There's all the good that I get out of it every single day, but there are some days that are rougher than others. It's inevitable, especially when you look at the populations I work with in my ministries. There are some days now and then when I just hit my limit on bad attitude and yelling from my kids, but I love them all the same. Not because I have to, but I want to. I practically need to, I can't help but love them.

I'm blessed to come home every day to a peaceful and pleasant atmosphere. Even if I've had a rough, tiring day, I come home to prayer with the community and that usually brings me down.

I'm not blogging about this to complain in any way. It's just part of it. An honest blog about this experience has to include a little of the struggle. I keep most of it to my private journal, or to my meetings with my mentor, or some of my nightly recaps of my day with Alyssa. And I have family I can call and talk to whenever I need them. And of course I give it to God.

What kind of growing experience would this year be if I didn't face a struggle now and then? I'm never alone in them and there's always something to be gained. Whether it be patience, understanding, well earned love or respect, a new reason to pray.

I fell a little behind in my Lent reflection book last week. As it always seems to be when that happens, I got more out of a reflection question or prayer days later than I would have if I'd read it on the right day. One of the daily reflections was on vocation, and this was the prayer at the end:

"Providential God, teach us your ways. Through the gift of the Holy Spirit may we discern daily what you ask of us. Give us the gift of wisdom to know your truth; give us the gift of courage to do your will."

Ah, as usual, it was just what I needed, right when I needed it. God works that way. Not sometimes, but always.