"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Well, it's official. I completed the Benedicta Riepp program. I not only survived a year in a monastery, I thrived. I enjoyed every second of it. I grew in leaps and bounds. I found a family of wonderful (and sometimes crazy) sisters to call my own. I experienced the world without ever leaving Erie. I struggled, I triumphed. I had my breakdowns, hit my walls and cried. I embraced changes and challenges. I'm proud of myself. I met God again, and have a better relationship than I ever could have imagined. My prayer turned into my very being, not just the pockets of time I spent in the chapel. My life had a rhythm and consistency. I rediscovered love for myself, for others, for God. I immersed myself 100% into the lives of the sisters, who opened up their home and their hearts to me so generously. I made strong relationships with women much older than me that will last a lifetime, the age difference didn't matter. I worked on my writing, sharing my experience with the whole world. I opened myself up to everything.

I've never done goodbyes very well. I know change is inevitable, it has to happen, but sometimes I just want to hold onto something a little longer. I loved my time at the Mount with the sisters so much, it was the hardest thing to do to walk out of those doors yesterday. I held it together pretty well until saying goodbye to my director and mentor out at the front door. They walked us in the day we arrived, they walked us out the day we left. I started to choke up during the hugs, with all the things they had to say. Part of me didn't walk to let go, knowing that was it, my time had come. As soon as I turned to walk to my car the tears came. I cried myself clear into New York and most of the way to Buffalo. I had to crank the music and sing my fool head off to get myself to stop. I barely had a voice left when I got home.

Most sisters only said "see you in a couple of weeks, have a good vacation home." because that's really all this is. I'll be back in Erie next week and back at the Mount for liturgy in two weeks. But it won't ever be the same. I won't be there sharing in their daily lives. I won't see my sisters every day, sharing dinner with them or just hanging out to watch the news. I'll miss that constant presence.

No matter what I'll always wish I had more time, another week or two, one more day. I'll always feel like I could have done something a little different, it's that over analytical part of my brain. But at the end of the day I lived it fully and truthfully. I loved every second of it.

I'll always have a home at the Mount, I know that. It's going to take awhile for me to adjust to the fact that I'm not living there anymore. Things will change, but I hope not too much. Right now it kind of feels like I'm only home for a little break and I'll still be heading back to the Mount when I return to Erie in a week. I don't think it will fully sink in until I'm sitting at the light on Buffalo road, coming off the 90, and I take a left turn instead of a right. Off to my new apartment, life with just Alyssa and I again (and my dog, in a few months) off to the next part of life.

I feel like my words can't do it justice, like nothing is going to really capture what's in my heart or head right now. I could never thank my sisters enough, every last one of you. You have profoundly touched my life, I'll never be the same, and I couldn't be more grateful. I couldn't ever tell my director or mentor exactly what they mean to me, for all they did for me this year. They helped really make this experience what it was for me, walking with me every step of the way.

Well, now that I have myself tearing up again, I think I'll take a break and throw in some photos. All of these are courtesy of Sister Charlotte:

Our commitment ceremony last year

Receiving a blessing from the community at our farewell dinner

Us with our director

My mentor and I

I'll keep up the blog, but I'm going to take a week or two away. I need to figure out how I want to do this now. My journey isn't done, it's coming to a new beginning. There's still so much more to experience and to share.