Relay

I'm going to take a moment to shamelessly plug my Relay for Life team and my fund raising page.

Click Me!! :)

My goal is to hit at least $250 in donations by July 13. So far I've only been plugging it on Facebook and that hasn't been getting me too far. So, now I bring it to you, my lovely readers. No amount is too small, I promise you. Enough people donating $5 or $10 each will add up quickly.

I'm doing Relay and raising this money for all my family, friends and sisters who have or are still fighting cancer, those who beat it and those who left this world way too early because of it. 

Feel free to donate online through my page above, or contact me at carrieann2589@gmail.com and I'll give you info on how to donate via check.

Thanks everyone :)

Update

Sorry I'm slacking on my posts lately :)

Here's a rundown of what's been happening in my little world the last week or so:

Last weekend Alyssa and I embarked on a trip to Oil City, PA with my mentor and our director to visit a couple of sisters who do their ministry work in that neck of the woods. To say the very least, it was a great time. It was nice to visit and to see where these two sisters worked, and getting away for a night was really nice. Good food, lots of beautiful weather, tons of fun conversation and laughs, it was a great way to spend a couple of days. Not to mention road tripping with my mentor and our director might be one of my top 3 favorite experiences this year if only for the abundance of ridiculousness :)

In other news: Alyssa and I have an official date for our departure from the Mount: July 29th. We're talking 6 weeks here people. 6.weeks. Can we talk about how fast this has gone? Actually, let's not talk about it. I feel like the winter just didn't exist. August through November went at a decent pace. But I swear Advent hit and it was like *voom* oh hey, it's June.

We're leaving almost a full month earlier than initially expected seeing as we moved in on August 20th. There's a few reasons for the change in date, and I'm OK with it since that's a little more time to get settled and start making some money. Regardless if we left in July or August, I'd always be wanting more time, so ultimately 3 weeks isn't a huge deal when I look at the big picture.

The good news is that we're staying in Erie. I'm not sure how I'd be handling it if I was going back to Syracuse or Buffalo, but I know it wouldn't be this well. I can't imagine moving super far away from this place and these women, not right now. Knowing I'll live decently close by is making this a smidge easier. But only a smidge.

Wait for it in a few weeks when it really hits me. This news is only a week old, I think my brain is still in denial at how soon that really is.

In more other news: I'm not going to graduate school this coming fall. Most everyone who reads this probably reads Alyssa's blog too which means you probably saw her post on this topic recently. I'm not going to dedicate a whole post to this topic, mostly because I've explained all my reasons to the people who really need to hear it, it doesn't need to go on here. But to explain it as simply as possible, my reasons for not going come down to two things: 1- I can't afford it right now, and 2- Edinboro just wasn't the right program for me, at least not right now.

I think I rushed into choosing Edinboro because I was in the mindset that if I wanted to stay in Erie I'd have to go to a school really close by. I was wrong, obviously, that's not the only way for me to stay. And reality hit that if I want to have a roof over my head and food on the table, I need to work more than 25 hours a week which wouldn't really be possible with class, homework and an internship. So, my decision was made after much discussion and prayer, and I feel much better with the added stress of school and those added finances taken off my shoulders.

This week at the Mount we've been on retreat and it's been wonderful. I'll post all about it on Sunday, I think I've maxed out this one for now :)

Beautiful Days

I've really been enjoying my ministry work with the sisters in the infirmary. I had the greatest afternoon yesterday.

One of our elder, more senile and more eccentric sisters injured her foot the other day, and my big task was to get her to sit still for as long as possible. Trust me, this is no small task when this particular sister can be found walking the halls, swinging her rosary, singing "oh what a beautiful morning" at almost any time of the day. She's a fixture of the corridors, to say the least.

The real challenge was to get her to not only sit but to let us put her foot up so we could ice it. Well, 50% isn't too shabby considering how much of a busybody she really is. I was able to sit with her for about an hour and a half. I was on top of the world considering that I figured I'd be lucky to get 10 minutes out of her before I was chasing her down the hall.

My trick? Puzzles.Lots of them. We did 3 puzzles while we were sitting there together, and she chatted away happily. She wasn't as fidgety as I was expecting, and she only got up twice to try to get some water and I was able to get her to sit right back down and get it for her. Success at its finest.

After awhile she did want to go for a walk, it was so sunny and nice out I knew she'd be out there eventually. But she's always more than happy to take me along, and I even got her to sit on some of the benches along the path, for quite awhile each time. I was on a roll!

After getting her back upstairs to rest for a bit I took another sister out to enjoy some sun and fresh air. This sister is in a wheelchair and can't get around too easily. I was more than happy to push her around outside and we sat in the memory garden for awhile talking. She was so happy I thought she was going to burst, she was so delighted to see the flowers and the trees and all the little chipmunks running around. She kept saying "thank Jesus for this beautiful day, and thank you dear for bringing me out here to enjoy it."

I take it for granted, being outside in the nice weather all the time, going out whenever I want to walk and enjoy the grounds. I can't imagine being stuck inside and only making it out if someone manages to come up with the time to take you for a walk. I was so happy to be able to do that for her, something that seemed so simple to me meant the world to her.

I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

Getaway

Sometimes you really just need a chance to get away. And I don't mean just heading home for a couple of days. I mean really get away.

The last few months have been crazy, to say the very least. About  2 months ago or so, in the midst of some sort of combined meltdown, Alyssa and I booked some super cheap bus tickets to head to Long Island to visit Michelle, our closest friend from college, and to spend a little time in NYC too- which I had never been to before.

Now, keep in mind this wasn't a total impulse. We'd talked to Michelle and had an idea that we wanted to visit sometime in June after she was done with school. But the impulse came at 10:30 at night on a particularly rough tuesday where we both finally said "we're doing this, and we're doing it now." and *boom* tickets were booked and a plan was being made. You can't beat $20 bus tickets (round trip!!) you just can't.

So that's how this little scheme was born. We had weeks to plan our trip and get really super excited for it. It was nice having something so great to look forward to. I hadn't seen Michelle since last June and having never been to New York City I was ridiculously excited to go.

It was a wonderful trip, to say the very least. It was great to be reunited with a close friend, and the 3 of us are quite a group, let me just say. It was fun just hanging out, getting to sleep in a little, doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted to. It was nice to just be a normal 23 year old for a few days. I love it here at the monastery, I love my sisters, but of course I need chances to be a goofy, mildly impulsive, off-the-wall 23 year old.

We did way too much for me to rattle off here, but my favorite parts were going to see the Statue of Liberty and just walking around Times Square. I absolutely loved the city, all the lights and the people and the energy. I definitely have to make it back, sooner rather than later.

The adjustment now has been catching up on my sleep and readjusting to the schedule. I had a great time and it went way too fast for my liking, but it's nice to come back to all my sisters saying "welcome home!!! now tell me all about it." :)

Manhattan from Liberty Island

The 3 of us in Central Park. We belong on a postcard :)

Oh heyyyy Lady Liberty!

All excited about the bus ride to NYC...until the bus went into motion haha!

Grown Up Problems

I've decided that one of my least favorite things is having to make a major decision.

Maybe I'm really having a love/hate relationship with being an adult. That's also possible.

I'm just not a fan of having a massive decision in front of me, with a multitude of reasons for or against either side of the decision. Having it feel like my brain is in 15 places at once drives me bonkers.

That's right, bonkers.

I know the value in discernment, I always have. But trust me, I've learned it extra well since coming here. My decision even to be here was a massive one. Huge odds against me but even more to gain by just jumping for it. And look how right I was, it's all been worth it. Ups, downs and all.

But here I am, with two very difficult issues I'm trying to tackle, and I'm beyond overwhelmed. But, I have people to help me. My mom, best friend, mentor and director- all trying to help me think and clear up the jumbled mess that has been my head.

But it's still a lot to think about, and any decision is mine alone. That's daunting.

A few weeks ago, I saw this little wooden decoration that says "It's All Good" and I bought it for myself. I need that reminder, almost constantly. Like it should be stamped on the back of my hand, so I can always look down and remind myself that it's all good, all shall be well.

Actually, I have numerous things all over my room that are there to remind me of that. Psalm 62 is on my mirror, it takes up a huge corner of it: "My hope comes from God who is my rock and my salvation...trust God at all times." I have a card on another corner of my mirror that says "Don't Quit" at the top and goes on with a little encouraging poem. There's a little plaque on my dresser "Keep believing in yourself-- every goal that has ever been reached began with just one step and the belief that it could be attained... believe in yourself and remember that I believe in you too."

All of these were gifts, given to me at various times this year when I felt like I was losing it. And here they are, still telling me what I still need to hear, all these months later.

Anyway, here I am. Probably way better off than I come across in this post. I've got time to figure a few things out. And above all I trust that no matter what happens, I'll make the right decision, even if it doesn't seem like it right away. Everything always works out in the end. I have faith in that. If I didn't, this year wouldn't be happening. I need to remember that more often. See what happens when you put your faith wholly into something, even when a thousand things are going against you? Like God is up there going "See?? I told you so!!!"

God wouldn't ever bring me to something I couldn't get through. That's a fact.

New Ministry

I figure a little update on my ministries is in order seeing as my last post left a bit of a cliff hanger.

I spent my afternoons all last week helping out at The Alliance for International Monasticism with this massive project that involved entering a few hundred foreign mailing addresses into a computer mailing system. I promise you, it's just as fun as it sounds. It was a nice way to spend a few afternoons as I was in a room alone, plucking along through about 15 sheets of info, listening to music and dancing to my heart's content.

This week began my new afternoon ministry placements that I'll remain in until the program ends- which is in August, for the curious folks out there who can't remember when I started this whole thing. I'll spend 3 days a week helping out with grounds keeping and general odd jobs around the Mount. For example, Tuesday and today I washed lots of windows. I smell like windex and vinegar and my hands aren't the right color. But guess what? It was fantastic. I love manual labor, I love being able to get outside in the sun for a little bit, and I like the idea of doing little odd jobs that enhance the monastery. I can't even tell you how many sisters saw me up on the ladder, scraping sap off the dirty windows, and stopped to thank me. It made me appreciate what I was doing even more.

And there's something nice about repetitive work like that. I could enjoy the quiet or I could put on some music (I've been favoring the sisters' "Te Deum" CD while I've been working this week) and just work. It's prayerful. I'm really going to enjoy it especially because I'll be doing quite a bit of work outside and it's almost summer, so I can really enjoy the sun and the beautiful weather this time of year. Bring it on.

Besides all that, on Wednesdays I'll be helping out in the infirmary and assisted living wing. There are a couple sisters in particular they want me to work with, but I'll really get to spend time with almost everyone up there. I'll get to help with exercises and activities, walk around the grounds, put puzzles together, play games or just sit and talk with the sisters. My first afternoon on Wednesday was a great experience, I'm really looking forward to what this ministry placement will bring. Maybe I'll discover a new area in social work to focus on that maybe wouldn't have crossed my mind. The possibilities!

I'm really excited for these new placements. I was definitely ready for something entirely different from what I'd been doing. This feels good, and I'm happy for it.

Change

Most people don't know that my last day at the Kid's Cafe was this past Friday. I didn't tell a lot of people, I didn't want a big deal being made out of it, and I didn't want to answer the same question over and over: "why? I thought you loved it so much."

And I do. I did when I started, and I still loved it when I left. I'll always love the time I spent there, the people I worked with, and most of all the kids. But, I wanted to walk away while I still loved it.

For about two months now I had found myself struggling, a lot. Certain aspects of the job were really beginning to get to me. I'm not a disciplinarian, I never have been, I don't know how to be one effectively. I felt helpless trying to bring order to a room of rowdy kids, or even just trying to get one kid to listen and mend a poor choice of behavior. There was a level of respect I just couldn't get from the kids. It had a lot to do with my age, my lack of experience, the fact that there was not much I could relate to when it came to my kids.

All I could do was love them, and I did. Every single day. Even on the worst days. All I could do was give them a hug, talk to them a little, play a game or twelve of cards, color a few pictures, ask them to help me out in the kitchen with a special job, just spend time with them. All I could do was try to be as positive as I could be with them, and I was good at that for a long time.

In the last couple of months I found myself getting fed up way too often. I'd come home, dragging all my frustrations along behind me. I couldn't kick it, I couldn't stop feeling like I was helpless, like I was struggling so hard I couldn't manage. I'd be bummed out and miserable some nights. I wasn't happy.

Over the course of weeks I talked it over with my mentor, worked on different techniques to help me through without having to leave. But it eventually just hit a point that I needed to leave before I grew to dread it so much that I'd never want to walk through the doors again.

And I was able to leave on those terms. After the decision was made, I got to spend my last 3 weeks slowly letting go of some of my responsibilities and got back to just being able to spend time with the kids with a lot less yelling and scolding. I didn't have to get up and leave the activity I was doing with 3 or 4 kids, spending quality time with them, to run after the 1 kid wreaking havoc on the place.

I'd say the greatest gift I had there, the best thing I brought to the kids was being able to love them and spend time with them. I'll always stand by that. It's what made me chose the Cafe as my ministry for the first 6 months, it's what made me want to stay on for the second half. It's also what made me want to leave as I saw myself starting to get angry with the kids, losing my temper a time or two, I refused to let it come to that. I knew I was beginning to burn out, and I knew what I had to do.

It was sad leaving. There was no fuss, only a handful of kids knew. I was fortunate enough to get a lot of pictures taken with the kids on my last day. I was able to just sit with a few kids during dinner and talk to them. They asked a lot of questions about why I was leaving, accusing me of being just like everyone else who comes and goes and forgets about them. I assured them that wasn't the case.

The Kid's Cafe had one of the absolute largest impacts on me during my time here. I'll never forget a moment of it, I'll never forget the kids. It's not like I'm going far away, I'm staying in Erie, I'll still be working around in the neighborhood. Someday, in a few weeks maybe, I can always pop in for a little bit on a reflection day, just to visit and see how my kids are doing.

My kids taught me a lot, and I hope I taught them a little too. There will always be a place in my heart for the Kid's Cafe and for the kids who touched my life for 7 months.

Now, the process begins again, I'll spend this week trying out a few different ministries to see where I'd like to spend my afternoons for my last few months. A big part of this year for me has been gaining experience in a variety of places to see where I'm being called as I inch ever closer to beginning a career in social work. I'm so grateful for that opportunity.

While a part of me is sad knowing I won't be going to the Cafe this afternoon, or any afternoon from here on out, I'm also excited to try out something a little different. We'll see what's in store!