You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now.
I'm a notorious worrier. And I feel like I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid, I'd be worrying about things that I really shouldn't have been bothered by, things I should have left to my Mom. But I just couldn't help but worry too.
So here I am, 23 years old and still a chronic worrier, but I'm getting better at it (or so I'd like to think.) And I'm starting to realize that lately because I've been plagued by a number of worries that in the end all resulted in the same thing: everything worked out fine, and I then wondered why in the world I worried so hard in the first place.
Probably my biggest worry as of late was taking over responsibility for the kitchen at the Kid's Cafe. I agreed to it and immediately questioned my sanity. I then spent a whole week worrying about it. I finally hit a point where I just said to myself that I was ready for it to just happen, I was ready to have it all dropped on me because I was sick of worrying and not just being able to get to it. My first week was a breeze, and my 2nd week was just as good. And now I'm onto my third week without much bothering me about it. I was right, I just needed to dive into it and make it my own. Everything worked out just fine, like always.
And it's that part that I'm catching onto- like.always.
I literally worried myself sick my junior year of college about my terrible job and trying to afford to live. I worried about my senior year- graduating, working another lame job, trying to figure out what to do with my future. I worried a lot over the summer about my decision to come do this program and about having enough money to make it a reality. I worried in my first months here about my school loans getting deferred. I worried about the Cafe and what would happen this month as we lost a long-time staff member and I took on extra responsibilities. I worried every morning for half of last week about a difficult conversation I was dreading taking part in. Sometimes now I catch myself worrying a little about what's to come as my time at the Mount ticks quickly by- jobs, apartments, school beginning again- and I slam the brakes on and remind myself to stop.it.
I'm learning. There's no use in worrying. None. Because in every single thing I just rattled off above everything worked out. There were moments where it didn't look possible, but it was all ok in the end.
When I stop worrying and put it all in God's hands I can't go wrong. Eventually I'll get to a point where I won't spend days or weeks worrying about things. I won't even spend more than a moment- long enough to acknowledge what it is and kick it out of my brain and into God's hands.
I'm a work in progress, like I am in all things. I'm getting there.
The world lost two good women this week, rest in peace Sister Benedict and Sandy.